


Dawn

by NimueOfTheNorth



Category: Criminal Minds, Numb3rs
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, M/M, Mild Angst with a happy ending, Temporary Breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:34:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NimueOfTheNorth/pseuds/NimueOfTheNorth
Summary: Sometimes paths that ran parallel suddenly drift apart, pushed into different directions. But each taking its own route can still lead to the same point again, paths crossing or maybe merging forever.Or: The one where life gets in between Aaron and Spencer but second chances come to those who reach for them and hold on.





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rivermoon1970](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/gifts).



> #1: A while ago Rivermoon1970 wished for a fic where Hotch and Reid break up not because either of them (likely Hotch) is an idiot but just because life gets in the way. She also wanted a pact for a second chance. I hope this suits what you had in mind, Hun.
> 
> #2: I'm happily plucking characters and events from canon, giving them a twist and dropping them along my stretched out timeline as they suit me and my story. The chapter titles are there to provide some orientation.
> 
> #3: The beautiful banner was created for me by the amazing ChestnutNOLA.
> 
> #4: Betaed by my dear colleague with no screen name. All remaining mistakes are my own.

 

 

* * *

 

Everything is going to be fine in the end. If it's not fine, it's not the end.

_Oscar Wilde_

_\----_

 

 

The bench was hidden at the end of an almost overgrown path. The trees and bushes sheltered it and gave it privacy, and the view onto the Potomac was rather lovely and - above all - soothing.

Spencer assumed that at least one person looking after the park knew about this little hideout and loved it just as much as he did because as overgrown as the path to it was, the plants were kept at bay in the little clearing and the bench itself was tended to on a regular basis. Whoever it was who kept everything in order, Spencer had never met anybody here and that suited him just fine.

He'd found the hidden bench searching for a quiet reading spot one day when his apartment had felt dark and a little claustrophobic compared to the sunshine outside. The school classes on a field trip had almost made him regret his decision before he'd literally stumbled upon this place.

It had been his favourite place for good weather ever since.

He’d never shared it with anyone. Not until Aaron. 

Aaron had been honoured to be included into the secret, invited into Spencer’s well-guarded bubble of solitude.

It had become one of the few options where they could allow themselves to be together outside of either of their homes. Where they could pretend that hiding wasn’t necessary. Like they were just two men in love.

Aaron was standing at the edge of the small open space, looking at Spencer’s back as he sat there in a pose very atypical for him - leaning forward, elbows on his knees, staring over the water, and somehow way too still.

There had been plenty of reason recently to worry about his lover, not that Aaron wasn’t prone to worry anyway, he acknowledged that about himself. But he had begun to think that it might all become too much for Spencer. Too many changes he didn’t care for. Too much loss. Too much stress and pain.

There was no doubt about Spencer Reid being incredibly strong and adaptable. But in their line of work, Aaron knew with just as little doubt that everybody had a breaking point. And looking at Spencer sitting in the chilly evening breeze he could see the shadows of that breaking point looming. 

He’d rather expected something like this. Earlier, Spencer had come to his office at five on the dot to drop off his files and left the office without any specific reason. Not that he needed one, but it was out of character and the rest of the team had noticed it just as much.

Then his phone had chimed with a text message more than an hour later. _Can you come to our bench? Whenever you’re done with work._

_Our_ bench. That’s how close they had become, how far Spencer had allowed him into his life. It was no longer Spencer’s place that Aaron was invited to, it was his place as well. He’d been granted claiming rights.

He took a fortifying breath and made the last few steps to sit beside his lover. He snaked one arm through Spencer’s and tangled their fingers together, noticing both the chill to them and the instantaneous squeeze he got. He stared at the so familiar profile and wished they could just stay in this moment, here, together, that the world didn’t have to keep turning and life didn’t have to go on and that he didn’t have to start the conversation he was pretty sure he wouldn’t like the outcome of.

But he’d resigned himself early in his life to rarely getting what he wanted.

“You okay?” he eventually asked tentatively.

“Not really, no. But I think I will be.”

Well, that was at least a small glimmer of hope. Aaron would do almost everything for Spencer to feel better. "What do you need? Is there anything I can do?"

Spencer took in a deep and slightly shuddering breath. "No. I... because I need... Aaron, I..." Finally, pained hazel eyes looked up and met his. "Aaron, I‘m leaving."

Aaron swallowed and reminded himself to keep breathing. Eventually, he cobbled together a semi-coherent thought. "Did I break us?"

“What are you talking about?” The utter confusion on Spencer’s face made him think his thought hadn’t been all that coherent.

“Did I break us when I lied to you about Prentiss being dead? Did that break us somehow, me putting that dishonesty between us?”

Spencer’s expression changed into a sad almost-smile. “No, that’s not it. And you didn’t even lie to me, not really. You told all of us the cover story, but never to me individually, not when I asked you about it.”

“I honestly thought you’d pick up on it sooner. And I was so worried about my reaction. I’m not that good an actor, I could never fool you.” His self-depreciating half-smile made Spencer chuckle.

“It’s astonishing how your talents in that regard seem to be utterly reserved for confrontations with UnSubs.” He fell quiet for a moment and turned back towards the view, but Aaron never looked away from him. “I did pick up on it sooner, you know. Took me less than a day in fact.”

“I never knew that. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You weren’t supposed to know. I wanted to make up my mind about the whole mess and especially your part in it. Coming to you all confused and angry was a recipe for disaster.”

“Sometimes it scares me how close you can hold things to your chest. We all live in the illusion that we read people including each other so well. But even as close as we are, you can hold back things so very easily.”

"Not easily, no. I don't really like to do it, to you less than anybody else. But I can do it if I feel I have to." Silence fell between them again and while it wasn't uncomfortable, Aaron felt like there should be something to say, something to ask. But for the life of him, he couldn't come up with anything. He didn't even know which direction to turn.

It was Spencer who eventually broke the silence again.

“Do you remember what you said when I finally asked you about Emily?”

“Not verbatim, no.”

“You looked me straight in the eye and you weren’t hiding anything like you so often do. I’ve rarely seen you so open. I had told you that I thought something wasn’t adding up around Emily’s supposed death and your behaviour and JJ’s afterwards, that I had formed some theories. And what you said was _Spencer, you’re the most brilliant man I know. Please don’t ask about this. I hate lying to you._ That was all the truth I needed.”

“I remember that I had agonised about the words and played through plenty of options. Things I could say that would tell you enough without me outright giving away the secret. I couldn’t bear to see you so broken. I worried what it might do to you, I wanted to be around you more, be more of a support, but I couldn’t outright break the agreements we signed and I most importantly couldn’t risk Prentiss’ safety.”

“I know and I agree, I always agreed. The important part is, you didn’t lie to me and you were there for me as much or even more than I could have expected. This whole mess was never an issue, not as far as it is about us. It didn’t break us, Aaron, _we_ aren’t broken.”

There was so much sincereness in Spencer’s eyes that Aaron couldn’t help but believe him. though that left him at a loss about the current situation.

Eventually, he just had to ask. "Then why are you leaving me?"

The first answer to that was a long sigh. “I’m not so much leaving you as everything else.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“The team, the BAU, the FBI for the most part. DC.”

Aaron felt like his whole world made a step sideways and left him behind. It was one of those knowing the words but not being able to make sense out of them moments.

 Spencer straightened and leaned against the back of the bench, but he kept a firm hold of Aaron's fingers the whole time. He shouldn't feel so desperately depended on this hold but he did.

"It's just all become too much and not just recently. We as a couple aren't broken, Aaron, but I feel like I'm slowly crumbling and I'm scared where it'll end if I don't make some changes."

“But do they have to be so drastic? God, that’s so selfish,” Aaron groaned, regretting his initial reaction. “Don’t even listen to me, you have to look out for yourself first.”

“Hey, none of that!” The tone was much milder than the words might warrant. “You are an important part of my life and I’d like to think I’m an important part of yours, too. You’re allowed, no actually supposed to want me around and get involved with my decisions. Even if I get to eventually make them on my own.” He lifted their joined hands and pressed a lingering kiss to the back of Aaron’s.

“And to answer your initial question, yes, I’m afraid they have to be so drastic. And believe me, I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. I’m sorry by the way, to present you with all decisions already made. I thought about discussing things with you a lot, but always felt like I needed to make up my own mind.”

“That’s fine, I’m not angry about it or anything. I guess I’m just wondering if there might have been something for me to do or say that would’ve saved me from losing you.” He couldn’t help how lost his voice sounded.

Spencer dragged in a deep breath. "I looked for a different solution, believe me, I did. But in the end, it came down to me needing a clean cut, distance and some serious changes. A vacation or even leave of absence wasn't going to be enough."

“I don’t doubt you. I don’t think you’re running away or anything, maybe because that would hurt even more.” Spencer was about to say something to that but Aaron wouldn’t let him. “Will you explain the problem to me? I have some ideas, but I’d really like to hear what’s going with you from you.”

"Okay." Spencer gave him a searching look and Aaron wasn't sure what he found but he gave a nod and continued. "It's really not one thing or the other. It's a combination of things and I could probably deal with each on their own. One thing is my mom's condition. I've had to judge so many situations, that needed a decision about her care, over the phone and I feel less and less comfortable doing so. I know you always give me time to go when it's really important and not even Strauss gives me trouble about that, but I feel like I‘m only ever seeing her when there's an issue and rarely just because I'm visiting my mom. Then there's my knee."

“Is that still bothering you?”

“Ever since that stupid so called prank the locals in Charleston pulled, yeah. It’s easy to overtire it and it’s somehow become more sensitive to the weather, especially changes. And with our constant travelling... It’s not even that bad a pain, but this constant kind of ache really bothers me after a while.”

“And you don’t like taking pain medication.”

"No, most definitely not on a somewhat regular basis. And between the pain and the stress of our job plus all the emotional upheaval we had, I'm struggling more and more with migraines."

“I noticed. Did you see a specialist about that?”

“You know that I didn’t want to go?”

“I suspected something like that. I didn’t want to push to avoid you digging your heels in. As painful as it is to watch you suffer beyond the necessary, I know and understand your reluctance. Do you want to tell me about what they said?”

There was the awkward half-smile on Spencer’s lips that Aaron had fallen in love with years ago. “Might as well. Most importantly, there are no signs that I’m developing schizophrenia.” It was Aaron’s turn to apply a reassuring squeeze to the fingers entangled with his. “There is no direct physical cause they could find. The best theory right now is stress or the regular pain from my knee, or most likely a combination of the two.”

 "And both would likely get better and therefore reduce your migraines if you no longer were on our team." Aaron was starting to see the direction of Spencer's reasoning. Didn't mean he had to like it.

"You want to hear what's ironic about the situation in a sad kind of way? I avoid taking pain meds as often as I can because I'm so damn afraid of addiction getting me again. And that leaves in enough pain to give me cravings."

"Oh, Spencer." Aaron didn't quite know how to put his horror and worry into anything more eloquent but he was definitely done keeping this weird half-distance between them. He let go of Spencer's fingers and pulled him into his arms instead. "I'd noticed that you were a little distracted, well, a little more than usual, and sometimes seemed on edge. But I never thought you were struggling this much. Why didn't you say anything? I'm not sure what I could have done but I would have tried. You didn't have to fight this alone. You aren't alone anymore."

"I know." Spencer snuggled slightly into Aaron's side and it soothed all the raw places in his soul a little. "I know you would have been there for me. You always were, as much as your position and our relationship at the time allowed. But somehow Dilaudid became my very own fight with my demons. It's good to talk about it at the meetings and it helps to know that there's someone willing to catch me if I need it. But I honestly prefer to work it out for myself when it pops up." He gave as much of a shrug as their position allowed.

"That's entirely your decision. I just still feel guilty for how much we all failed you right after Georgia. I try not to repeat mistakes."

Spencer gave a sarcastic sounding snort. "Yeah, why repeat the old ones when there are so many new ones to make."

They fell quiet for a while and looked over the water, Aaron rubbing up and down Spencer's arm, soothing both of them.

"I'm holding on all right, in case you're worried."

"I seem to always worry about you but not like that. Never like that. I trust that if things went horribly wrong, you'd deal with it differently. I think you're now in a much better place in that regard. Which is probably what has brought us here. Do I want to ask how close you are to your breaking point?"

"I'm not looking into the abyss yet or any such nonsense, but I'm definitely closer than I'm comfortable with. The case last week got to me much more than it should have and I needed to reign in my reaction a few times. That hasn't happened in a long time."

Aaron let that sink in. 

The next question would hurt, but he thought he needed to ask it anyway. "How much of your stress comes from having to hide our relationship?"

"Don't go there, Aaron. It's not your fault. We both agreed that this was necessary. We both have careers to lose. So no feeling guilty for it on your part, okay?"

"I'll try," he answered with a chuckle. "But I think I still need to know."

Spencer gave a long suffering sigh. "It's not helping, okay. Sometimes, especially during cases, when everything becomes just too much to handle, to compartmentalise, or when I'm drop dead exhausted mentally, the one thing I really wish I could have is a long warm hug from you. And then you walk in or I see you moving about in your office and though you are so close, I can't have it. And that sucks big time. It makes me feel so incredibly far away from you, which isn't quite the problem, but it makes my heart ache."

"I know what you mean." He pressed a kiss into Spencer's unruly hair and took in the familiar smell. With a pang he realised that it was likely to slip away. “I wish we didn’t have to hide like this. Some days, I just want to tell everyone that we’re together and in love. I grow so tired of Morgan teasing you and trying to set you up. And every time he manages to drag you out to some club or other he’s stealing our precious time together. And how I’d love to outright tell Dave that I’m seeing someone, that he doesn’t have to push me out into the market.”

“Don’t you think he knows about us? He looks at you all contemplating whenever relationships come up that has me thinking he’s figured it out.”

“I think he’s fairly certain that I have someone and tries to figure out why I’m not saying anything. He’s seen me with Haley when we were still happy, he knows how I am when I’m in love, so he was bound to recognise those signs. But if he knew about you being that someone or if he even just suspected, he’d already cornered me and demanded to take over your evaluations. I’d also have gotten a ‘Don’t hurt the kid slash don’t fuck this up’ speech.”

Spencer relaxed in Aaron’s arms and chuckled likely imagining the senior profiler in one of his papa bear moods. Aaron agreed that the picture was pretty amusing.

“You know what I hate most?” he eventually asked in little more than a whisper. “That I can’t even tell Jack. That you two can’t get to know each other the way you should. That I have to split my time between you two instead of sharing as much as possible with the two most important people in my life.”

“I’d love that,” was the slightly hesitant reply. “But while Jack is a great deal like you, he hasn’t yet taken on the Hotchner habit of holding everything too close to the chest and I don’t think he should. And how awkward would it be if he’d blurt out something during a team outing.”

“I know. And I’m not sure I want to tell him that sometimes love has to stay a secret. I don’t think that’s something he should grow to expect or accept. Makes me feel like a hypocrite to lie to him by not sharing my love for you with him, but I don’t see a good way through this.”

“If only we had a section chief less insecure and bitchy,” Spencer offered in a deceptively innocent tone that had Aaron laughing.

“I would have never thought you’d call a superior a bitch.”

“It’s a good thing then you don’t know what I call you when you’re not around.”

“Oh, and what would that be, hn?”

"I take the fifth, thank you Mr Prosecutor." Spencer was sitting up again and Aaron let him go with not so little reluctance. "But seriously, if Strauss weren't so convinced that you want her job and are therefore a threat to her because not even she is stupid enough to overlook that you could easily fill her chair, we might be able to make something work. The danger of being discovered would be less severe and under some section chiefs it would just be waved aside."

"Which isn't exactly a good thing, the rules are there for a reason. It's a little disjointing to agree with rules that I'm at the same time completely willing to break." He shook his head. "Anyway, as it stands Strauss is a problem and would gleefully take the smallest wrong doing to get me fired and she'd cut her own nose firing you as well just so she could teach me some kind of lesson. And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon."

“We could always expose her alcohol problem and have the higher ups get rid of her.”

"So you caught on to that as well, did you. I didn't think anyone besides Dave and me had."

“All addictions have similarities. Takes one to know one.”

“I hate when you call yourself that.”

“But I am and always will be. Acknowledging it and being really open about it helps me not to replace on habit with another; it keeps me on my toes.”

Aaron simply nodded. He understood Spencer’s point but he still didn’t like it. Probably because it brought up old guilt and a feeling of failure. But those were his issues and dumping them on Spencer would be beyond unfair.

“I’m just pretty sure if I point something out that gets Strauss pulled they’re going to push me into that office. I don’t think that would serve anybody in any regard so I’m looking for a different solution.”

“Just don’t let her become a danger to you and the team.”

“Did you notice how you no longer included yourself in the team just now?”

“Huh? I didn’t... That’s a little scary actually.”

Aaron took a deep breath and braced himself for what came next. "So, we've rehashed exhaustively all the reasons why our current situation can't be changed and why it has become unhealthy for you. What's going to happen next? You said you'll leave DC, that sounds like pretty concrete plans."

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, working through various options.”

“I know you have plenty. I’ve seen the stack of offers on your desk at home.”

“I know I’m what people would call spoiled for choice. But finding one that really suits me, that’s something worth doing, that’ll give me a feeling of satisfaction - that’s a whole different question. There’s a reason I was drawn away from academia and applied to the FBI after all.“

“So, who or what managed to really tempt you?”

“It’s a combination of factors actually. They are creating a new professorship for applied data analysis in the socio-political field. The idea is to interest more people from math and connected fields into positions like Garcia’s or mine. Lure the nerds out of the labs so to speak.”

“Sounds like the government is having their fingers in that somewhere.”

"Yeah, but it's not hush hush, they are thankfully open about it. I'm not saying the shadier parts of the alphabet soup aren't going to grab their share but it's structured to allow a broad look at all kinds of jobs and directions in the wider field, including NGOs." Spencer paused and looked sideways at Aaron, grabbing his hand again and playing with his fingers. "Do you think I'll be any good as a lecturer?"

"Of course you will. You have a habit of being good at anything you put your mind to. And you are passionate about your subjects, you always were. You have a talent for explaining things, just think about all of Jack's questions you've answered and he's still always collecting new ones because he likes your explanations so much. If you can give the same kind of passion to your students, you'll soon become a favourite."

“Only thing I can think of are all those recruitment events they sent me to and how horribly wrong that went.”

“You can’t really compare those two. You never really figured out who you were supposed to be in those settings and you had precious little concrete material to work with. You were sent because of your age, as someone students could relate to. I never understood how they could fixate so much on that one number and ignore all the others that define you so much more as a person, like the number of PhDs or your IQ, however arbitrarily that might be judged. You never really had much in common with the average college kid, so they couldn’t relate to you any more than you with them. If you want my advice, don’t try for that now. You’re going to be the professor, the teacher and also the judge over their performance. Use that hierarchy to create your niche. You don’t have to turn into a hardass, you can use physics magic to break expectations, and you should definitely throw in the occasional Doctor Who reference. Be yourself. Yourself is plenty ready to be a professor, all the elements are there.”

“Wow, thanks. That... that makes me uncomfortable and calms me down at the same time.”

“You haven’t shared where that exciting new job is taking you.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s another advantage, though,” he hesitated and looked at Aaron with an insecurity that hadn’t been there in quite some time. “It’s also the reason why there’s no real chance for a weekend relationship or something. The job’s at CalTech.”

“So you’re going home in a way. That is good. I think familiar ground will be good for you.”

“Yes, it’s less scary this way. And it’s going to be great to work with Charlie again.”

“You’ll likely still get exposed to FBI investigations, won’t you? From what I hear about Don Eppes’ new strategy for success his younger brother is bringing along his whole group of friends depending on the case. I can’t see your brain not being picked.”

"No, there's little chance of that. I consider it another advantage, to be honest. The FBI offered me an official status as a consultant. I'll keep my clearance and retain my permit to carry as long as I show up and survive the regular firearms test. I get to choose which cases I consult on, so I can control my workload, but I expect Charlie will get me in on quite a few and I'm of course only ever a call away, if you guys need me."

“It sounds like the best of two worlds.”

"Job-wise, yeah, pretty much." There was something very sombre around him all of a sudden. "The one thing it won't let me have is you."

Aaron swallowed down the wave of sadness those words evoked. “Do you really think we can’t make it work somehow?”

“Aaron, please think this through with open eyes. We both have busy jobs, even if mine changes. We’ll have the whole continent between us. I want to spend more time visiting my mother and you already have precious little time with Jack. And you can’t very well drag a boy his age into planes across the country, time zones and all every other weekend. I’m not saying we won’t see each other. I still have my godson here and you are always welcome to visit. But knowing the two of us and what we want out of a relationship, I can’t see one through skype and phone calls as anything but cruel.”

It hurt. Thinking about the whole situation hurt. Aaron knew that Spencer was right, that the logistics would be a nightmare and more or less ruin the purpose of Spencer's new job. And the idea of a relationship where he'd see his lover once in a rare while wasn't at all appealing. He would try it though. If it was what Spencer wanted, he would try it. But Spencer’s idea of a relationship was all or nothing. He would always go all in if he was in love. That’s why he had even taken the risk of a workplace romance with Aaron. Spencer wanted to share his life, all his life, not constantly manage schedules and complications. 

And if Aaron was perfectly honest with himself, he wanted the same thing. "Sometimes I hate it when you're right."

They fell quiet and Aaron felt nothing but numb.

Eventually, he forced himself to gather all the necessary information. "When are you leaving?"

"I'm working out my two weeks notice."

"So soon?!" That really shocked him. He'd thought and hoped that he'd have more time to get used to the thought.

"Yeah, I went to see Strauss today and that's what we agreed upon. Technically I'll be with the FBI a little longer, taking vacation time and such, but we thought this would work best, for the team to adjust and to give you a chance to at least start on finding a replacement."

"You're irreplaceable."

That had Spencer laughing. "Oh, Aaron! I appreciate the sentiment but we are all replaceable and you know it. Maybe some of us leave a more noticeable gap, but that's more due to personal connections, not our job performance."

"I can't imagine it without you. I know I've done the work before you joined, I remember it. And still, I can't _remember_ how it actually was without you, if that makes sense. And I'm not sure I want to figure it out."

"I never worked a job where I didn't have you to guide me. I know everybody thinks Gideon was my mentor and in many ways he was. But he was also always a little bit too similar to me, struggling with similar problems and his coping strategies weren't all that good. It wasn't a conscious choice but early on I started to look at you, at how you handled certain situations."

"I'm not sure that's a good thing. My strategies aren't exactly brilliantly balanced either."

"Probably not, but it gave me another path to follow. And you are so very steadfast on certain issues that I never felt like I may go astray. It'll be weird doing something new, something with responsibilities no less, and not having you there."

"You are always welcome to call and talk things through. I know the staying friends after a separation thing rarely works but I'm really hoping we'll manage."

"I hope so, too. We've been co-workers and friends before we fell in love. You've been such an important part of my life. Losing you as a lover is already plenty painful, I don't even want to contemplate losing everything else as well."

"Then, we'll make it work." Aaron put more conviction into that sentence than he actually felt but he also meant it as a promise to himself. He'd keep whatever connection to Spencer, that he could, going by any means necessary.

He got a firm squeeze to his hand in response and Spencer didn't really loosen his grip afterwards, almost as if he was holding on physically just as much as Aaron was holding on with his words.

It seemed neither of them knew what else to say as dusk settled around them.

When he noticed Spencer was starting to shiver in the evening chill, Aaron asked, "Do I get a goodbye kiss?"

"I was rather hoping for a thorough goodbye fuck." Spencer's deadpan answer was so very much the man Aaron had gotten to know in private over the last year and a half that it made him laugh and ache at the same time.

"Anything you want, love. I'll give you anything."

 

 


	2. I love You

They ended up at Aaron's apartment. With Jack on a sleepover birthday party, they could actually do that.

Aaron was acting awkward and he knew it but he had no clue how this would go. He wanted everything all at once and didn't know where to start.

Spencer had brushed past him when he'd held open the door and was bending over to untie his shoes. Aaron was entirely certain he was putting his arse on display on purpose. It was tempting and tantalising but he hesitated, uncertain about the welcome of his touch, almost like the first time.

Gentle fingers on his face pulled him back out of his thoughts. "Stop overthinking this. We're the same two men we were three days ago. You still know exactly what I like and I still know your secret little kinks. Nothing has changed between us. I want you. I trust you. I love you. Just do what feels right."

Aaron looked into the hazel eyes that were always so open for him. He felt like falling into them and really didn't mind. He gave in and sized Spencer's lips in a passionate kiss, burying his fingers in Spencer's curls. He shut his eyes and if there was a tear or two running down his cheeks he wasn't paying them any attention.

For now, he had his lover right here with him.

He pulled Spencer back against him and leaned into the wall of the small hallway. The familiar weight against him was comforting.

Spencer opened up to him with no hesitations and looped his long arms around Aaron's neck, pulling them even closer together.

Their lips moved together and their tongues tangled, a constant back and forth of pressure, suction and light caresses. This was all so familiar. They had spent hours doing this during their time together, just feeling close and connected and not really needing it to turn into more.

Aaron let one hand drift down Spencer's back, following his spine and coming to rest slightly below the small of his back, just low enough to brush the top of his butt without actually going there. Spencer both loved and hated the teasing and grumbled into Aaron's mouth, wiggling a little to get the hand to drop lower.

The only thing he really succeeded in doing was rub their already half hard cocks together and making them both groan at the stimulation.

Suddenly Spencer tore away and with a firm tug on his tie started Aaron in the direction of the bedroom. He kept walking backwards, having been in the apartment often enough to know the path from memory, and removed Aaron's jacket and shirt with nimble fingers, leaving the tie on for the moment.

Aaron just about managed to lose his shoes along the way, including some rather undignified hopping to open the laces that made Spencer giggle.

They had barely entered the bedroom when his tie was used to yank him close to Spencer for another round of snogging. He used the opportunity to divest Spencer of his cardigan, tie and shirt. He untucked his undershirt and ran his hands over the expense of smooth bare skin that was Spencer's back, again teasing from the small of his back downwards but never going below the waistband of his slacks.

Spencer for his part dug his fingers into the muscles of Aaron's shoulders, using the leverage to rub against him with more force.

Aaron let his lips slip from Spencer's with a groan. "You're driving me crazy."

"That was the plan."

The next moment Aaron felt those tempting lips on his neck and tilted his head aside to grant them better access. He let his eyes drop close and simply revelled in the variety of sensations that tender kisses, licks, suction and nibbling teeth caused. They'd always been careful about not leaving marks where they could easily be seen, not wanting to arouse the curiosity of the team. But tonight he couldn't care less. He wanted it all and he wanted to give it all and everything else be damned.

He had let himself get distracted so much that he was caught completely unaware when Spencer turned them and artfully tripped him onto the bed in one smooth move. He landed with a little bounce and mostly just missed the feeling of lips on his throat.

Instead, Spencer was mouthing his chest and going back and forth between his nipples, licking, sucking, biting and dragging all kinds of undignified noises from Aaron.

He vaguely registered nimble hands undoing his belt and button but his mind only caught on once his zipper was being pulled open maddeningly slowly. Spencer moved down his torso at the same slow speed, still kissing and licking all the most sensitive spots. Aaron had a hard time putting together any clear thought as pressure was applied to his hard cock, intensifying the slight vibrations of every single zipper tooth.

He knew where this was going. Spencer loved sucking cock and he was damn good at it. Admittedly, Aaron didn't exactly have a broad base of experience to compare him to, but the fact that he got some of the most intense orgasms of his life this way should be a reasonably strong indicator.

This wasn't what he had thought would happen once they reached his apartment but that really didn't matter. He gave himself over to the pleasure, only moving when Spencer indicated to lift his hips so he could pull off his slacks and boxers.

He'd been surprised to find out how much he enjoyed simply receiving. It was a part he hadn't ever before had a chance to explore and it had kept its effect long after any newness should have worn off.

So even though he really wanted to give Spencer what the younger man had asked for and fuck him thoroughly, the night was still young and there would be time for that later. For now, he would just lay back and enjoy a truly spectacular blowjob to the fullest.

Freed from constricting clothes he let his legs fall apart to give Spencer easy access to anything he might want to play with. His reward for so much compliance was delivered promptly. Spencer's long and slender fingers encircled one ankle and brought it up to be kissed and licked. After that, the lips moved to the knee of the other leg and that was positioned to Spencer's liking. 

Aaron just went along and gasped when the sensation of the hot wet tongue went right to his cock. When Spencer proceeded to suckle on the very corner of the back side of his knee, he could barely control the reflexive movement. He made no effort at all to hold back the groan and curling of his toes. Spencer chuckled. It never failed to amuse the genius just how strong the reaction to this particular erogenous zone was and that Aaron hadn't known about it before they had gotten together.

Aaron was starting to pant, the arousal running through his body, burning under his skin. Whether it was mercy or impatience on his own part, Spencer left off of the knee and carefully put the leg back down, kissing up the inside of the thigh above. This inevitably caused his hair to tickle the opposite thigh and Aaron was taken out of his mind ever more by the onslaught of sensations.

It took some conscious effort not to lift his hips from the bed when Spencer reached his balls and lavished them with attention. He could come just from this; and yes, they’d actually tried it one night. He was getting closer and closer to the edge and because he greedily wanted it all tonight, he was somewhat glad when Spencer abandoned them in favour of peppering skittish kisses all around his crotch. It was maddening in its teasing but it gave him a chance to come back from the precipice a little so he wouldn’t come too soon.

It was almost like an unspoken agreement between them that tonight should be everything and everything should be enjoyed to the fullest. Their last night. The thought made his eyes sting and he squeezed them shut, doing his damnedest to push it aside and not ruin it all.

Losing Spencer hurt. And the pain was somehow worse than when Haley had left him. Maybe because he hadn’t seen it coming, hadn’t had this growing sense of distance between them, didn’t have anything about their together that he wouldn’t miss like crazy.

But those thoughts and feelings had no place here and now.

This was just them at their best, everything they could be to one another.

When he took a deep breath to let go of the feeling of loss and come back to the moment, he noticed that Spencer’s chin was resting on his belly and soft hands were running up and down his thighs.

“Hey. You back with me?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I think I just started missing you already.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just don’t know-”

“Sssh, it’s all good. I’m okay, I’ll be okay. And so will you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Both their smiles were a little melancholic but that was probably the best they could hope for.

Spencer pushed himself up along Aaron’s chest to give him a passionate kiss.

The tangle of lips and tongues helped Aaron to let go of the heavy thoughts and he buried his fingers in Spencer’s locks to keep him there a little longer.

But like all kisses, this one had to come to an end and Spencer drew back down Aaron's body again, rubbing as much skin together as he possibly could. "Let's finish what I started down here, shall we?"

"Yes. Anything." Aaron's voice was breathless, both from the kiss and the renewing arousal. God, what the sheer sight of Spencer like this could do to him. Aaron had never expected to find a blushing virgin in Spencer, the thought had little to no appeal. But he hadn't been prepared for the confident seduction that had been aimed at him once they had made it past the first few dates. Spencer definitely outclassed Aaron in that regard.

Spencer reached his price and decided that there had been enough teasing for tonight. Before Aaron could brace himself, he found his cock surrounded by wet heat almost all the way. He groaned and reflexively arched his back at the overwhelming deliciousness of the sensation.

Long fingers tightened around his hips, reminding him to keep those still and he tried his best to relax back onto the mattress.

His reward was everything a guy could wish for.

Spencer was definitely done teasing. He bobbed his head up and down Aaron's length, pressing his tongue against the underside and hollowing his cheeks on the way up. He hummed his enjoyment and it ran through Aaron as a subtle, whole-body shudder. Aaron left his fingers tangled in Spencer's curls, simply making it one more point of connection, not influencing his movements at all. He tried to keep his eyes open and commit the sight to memory, but the bliss soon won out and his eyes fell closed.

There was only the slightest break in Spencer's rhythm to warn him that something was about to change and the next moment he found the head of his cock swallowed down into Spencer's throat.

It was all that was needed, he was so close to the edge already. His orgasm hit him and he came in various spurts into Spencer's mouth, that greedily took everything he had to offer.

Aaron was drifting for long seconds afterwards, the intensity of the pleasure swiped all conscious thought out of his mind and he couldn’t have put two words together if he’d tried.

When the fog cleared a little, he found Spencer pressed into his side. Soft hands were caressing him soothingly and the younger man’s hard-on lay against his hips.

Aaron searched out Spencer’s lips with his own, hunting down the taste of himself in his lover’s mouth.

“I want to taste you, too.”

“Anything you want.” His own words were given back to him with a half-smirk.

It took a little manoeuvring to get them both situated on the bed comfortably with Aaron’s head at Spencer’s groin. He was a lot less good at this than Spencer but it never really mattered, he always managed to satisfied his lover. And with all the teasing from before Spencer wasn’t far from his own orgasm anyway.

It only took a few sloppy passes of his mouth for Spencer to come and Aaron swallowed as much as he could.

 He pulled himself up the bed and collapsed beside Spencer, satisfied and limp. Spencer immediately curled into his side with a content hum and they soon dozed off together.

 

* * *

 

Aaron woke up some time later and basked in the comfortable warmth of skin on skin before a trip to the bathroom became inevitable and he extricated himself carefully from the limbs still tangled with his.

Coming back he stood in the bedroom door and simply enjoyed the view in the soft light of the bedside lamp. Spencer had rolled into the spot he had vacated and lay on his belly, one leg drawn up and his arse beautifully on display.

If Aaron couldn’t read the rhythm of his breathing so well, he’d suspect that it was done on purpose, but Spencer was still asleep.

The sight of Spencer relaxed and sleeping in Aaron’s bed wasn’t one he was all that used to. They had spent a lot more time in Spencer’s apartment or the occasional getaway to avoid Jack asking inconvenient questions. Aaron felt like he’d cheated them both out of so many possibilities and tried his best to commit the picture in front of him to memory. He was almost tempted to take a picture with his phone, but that would be both disrespectful and dangerous in their line of work.

Still, the realisation that he wouldn’t get another chance for a moment like this caused a dull pain of emptiness in his heart.

He pushed the feeling down, drawing on years of compartmentalisation skills honed on the job. For tonight, all that creamy skin was still his to explore.

He grabbed the lube from the nightstand drawer and got back on the bed, careful not to wake his lover just yet. Then he let his hands roam all over the exposed back of Spencer’s body, going from feather light touches to stronger ones, caressing skin and massaging muscles wherever he could reach.

Slowly, Spencer started to react and come back to awareness, but for a long time he didn’t say anything, just let Aaron continue on. When the touches became more deliberate and arousing, he encouraged them with moans and humming that made Aaron smile.

When he finally spoke his voice was deeper with a mixture of the lingering sleep and the growing arousal. “Are you going somewhere with this, Agent Hotchner?”

"I believe I have yet to fulfil your original demand for a thorough fuck, Dr Reid."

“Hmmm, you say the sweetest things.” He lifted up from the mattress just enough for them to kiss. When he dropped back down he merely pushed the lube against Aaron’s thigh and pulled one of his legs up further.

Aaron chuckled but dutifully lubed up his fingers and prepared his genius, taking his time. He got an increasing collection of moans, groans, “Oh, yes” and “Fuck, so good” for his efforts and they went right to his cock, that didn’t need any more encouragement.

“You are such a hedonist, you know that,” he murmured when he inserted a third finger and aimed for Spencer’s prostate.

“Yeah, and you absolutely adore pleasuring me like this, so don’t pretend to complain.” The end of the sentenced flowed into a particularly indecent groan when Aaron added extra pressure to the perineum with his thumb.

Aaron couldn't disagree with that, Spencer was particularly gorgeous like this when he stopped thinking and instead showed all his reactions with no inhibition.

“You ready for me?”

That earned him a snort. “You know I need a lot less prep. We do this because we both love it. But yes, I would like your cock inside of me now.”

Aaron gave him a playful slap on the butt for his cheekiness before withdrawing his fingers and lubing himself up. He didn't need to ask how Spencer wanted this because he immediately turned on his back and pulled up his knees, spreading himself wide open.

The sight made Aaron groan. “God, look at you.” He had to pinch the base of his cock to stay in control. “Nobody would ever expect you to be this sexually confident and outright wanton. That you share that side with me is probably the biggest turn on.”

"I wonder how much of a turn on it can be when you're still sitting there, while I'm here with my arse tragically empty." Spencer accentuated his words by rolling said arse a little more upwards, flexing the muscles, and it had the desired effect of making Aaron get in position.

They both moaned when Aaron pushed slowly all the way in.

“This what you wanted?”

“Oh yes. So good.” He clenched his muscles a bit around Aaron’s cock. “Get moving.”

Aaron positioned Spencer’s long legs over his arms and leaned over to kiss him. He started pulling his hips back and pushing back into his lover with purpose, aiming for his prostate. He kept it nice and slow, determined not be hurried, and Spencer seemed quite content with that.

Arms slung around Aaron’s back, caressed whatever they could reach and pulled him further down. He for his part cradled Spencer’s head with one hand and used it to guide their sloppy kisses.

Again and again, their eyes would meet and hold the other's gaze until the pleasure would almost overwhelm one of them and let those eyes fall close.

Their lips were no better, pulling apart barely enough to draw breath, coming back together and framing desperate tongues in their quest for the familiar taste.

Time just fell away.

Aaron felt like they were weaving their passion and love for one another around them like a cocoon. As long as they could stay together like this, the world was kept at bay and his little corner of the universe no longer felt like it was falling apart.

He wanted to keep doing this forever. Drawing out their pleasure, their happiness. If only he could.

He cold read the same melancholy in Spencer’s eyes. The same wish to hide in this moment forever.

There was no chasing for their release. Neither was pushing their coupling along.

But biology wouldn’t be denied and eventually, they both climaxed, Spencer’s orgasm pushing Aaron over the edge as well.

With the physical relief came a wave of emotion.

Loss. Grief. Loneliness. Regret. Sadness.

And woven through it all was the profound love he had for Spencer.

Aaron slumped forward, hiding his face against his lover's neck even though the position must be getting quite uncomfortable for the younger man. But Spencer only held him softly, running fingers through his short hair.

It took him a few shuddering breaths to collect himself again before he could pull out and drop to the side. He wasn't prepared to let go of their connection just yet though and made sure to drape Spencer against his side.

Spencer came willingly and all stickiness was ignored for the time being.

“You okay?”

“Not really. But I’ll manage.”

“I wish it could be different.”

“Me too.”

It was long after quick showers and fresh sheets, after cuddling up together in the middle of the bed, after many more tender caresses and loving kisses when Aaron lay still awake.

Spencer had rolled into his favourite position, the little spoon with their legs entwined and Aaron’s arm draped over his waist, fingers entwined at his chest, and was sleeping calmly and deeply.

But Aaron still clung to every waking minute. He tried to take in as much of his lover’s peaceful looks as the moonlight allowed. And he couldn’t find it in himself to care that watching somebody sleeping was kinda creepy. He pressed his nose into the almost dry locks and against the slender neck, breathing in a smell that would soon vanish from his bed and his life.

He didn’t want to fall asleep, almost childishly hoping that not falling asleep meant not waking up. And not waking up meant tomorrow and all it would take with it might never come.

He could have laughed about his own ridiculousness if he wasn’t fighting the tears.

And he knew it wasn’t just him.

Spencer may have been the one to make this decision. He may have had more time to come to terms with what he needed to do and all it entailed.

But Aaron observed people for a living and he knew Spencer. He could read the heavy swallows and slight hitches in breathing that Spencer hadn’t been able to suppress.

This was equally hard on both of them.

This hurt.

But sometimes that was the only way.

 


	3. Goodbye

Spencer woke up after too little sleep to the bleak grey light of the early morning.

He allowed himself to bask in the feeling of a warm, solid chest behind him, the strong arms holding him, and the soft tickle of breath at the nape of his neck.

This was home.

This was happiness.

This was love.

And he was giving it all up.

He was by all accounts a genius but right now he felt like an utter idiot.

He wasn’t the easiest person to be with, so for him to find something so perfect, a man he loved with all his heart, who loved him back and truly understood him, was an incredible gift.

And he was giving it up.

He refused to think of it as throwing it away. He would never be that careless with Aaron, that disrespectful of what they had.

He was giving up his greatest treasure, his happiness because it was the only way to leave behind what would otherwise destroy him.

He needed to leave. And for all his love, Aaron was not ready to follow him. As tempting as the thought might be, Spencer was not Haley and he would never try to change his lover on such a fundamental level. He loved the man Aaron Hotchner was, convictions, workaholic, serial killers and all.

No, it wasn’t time yet for Aaron to leave.

But it was time for him.

With a heavy heart, he extricated himself from Aaron's hold without waking the older man. It was quite the feat and a show of how comfortable they'd grown with each other, considering what a light sleeper Aaron was even in his own home.

He snuck into the bathroom and dressed quietly. He dropped the few odds and ends he’d allowed himself to keep at Aaron’s place into the spare shaving kit he’d brought them in and took that with him.

It added an odd finality to his decision.

When everything was stowed away in his satchel, he went back to the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the mattress. There was no way he’d let Aaron wake up alone.

The light gained a little more intensity but stayed greyish and cold while he waited.

When Aaron woke up his hand stretched over the bed in search of warmth. “Spencer?”

“I’m here. I’m still here.”

Their fingers met on the sheets and a smile of contentment flickered over Aaron's lips. It ended too soon for Spencer's taste when the other man opened his eyes and saw him fully dressed, the reality of their new circumstances hitting him.

“You’re leaving.”

“Yes.”

“You could stay a little longer. I could make waffles for breakfast. We still have time. We have two more weeks.” But he didn’t make any attempt to get up.

Spencer let out a deep sigh. He had seen this coming and had still hoped to avoid it. “No. I don’t think we should or that I even could do that. I can see the list of lasts we could share rattling behind your eyes, Aaron. One last dinner, one last movie, one last walk in the park, one last coffee, one last night. They would all be bittersweet and painful. I don’t want that, for either of us. I want to take all the good moments, the joy and love with me and I want the same to stay with you. Last night was really all I can take in that regard.”

The tears he had promised himself not to cry were pushing against the corners of his eyes and he could see the same struggle on Aaron’s face.

“Okay. I just... We’ve woken up in the mornings together so rarely and I still can’t comprehend how I will never do so again.”

“Never is a big word, Aaron, and there is no need for it. A lot can change.”

“What are you thinking? Should we make one of those cheesy pacts like in the movies? X years from now, if we’re both single, we’ll seek each other out and get our happily ever after?”

Spencer shrugged. “Why not?” When he saw the scepticism on Aaron’s face he pushed on. “At least that way we have a fixed point to reevaluate or situation and you can’t hide behind your stoic facade again, pretending you don’t have emotions. Neither of us is naive enough to think that everything will just magically fall into place again. But we aren’t going to disappear into the wild blue yonder in the meantime either. If a second chance is what we both want, it’s as good a plan as any.”

He waited for Aaron to make up his mind. It took a delicate balance of patience and pushiness to get a Hotchner anywhere without having him clam up and dig his heels in.

“It sounds ridiculous but it’s the most I’ve found to look forward to since I found you on our bench yesterday.” Intense dark eyes were searching his, for what, Spencer wasn’t sure. “Let’s do this.”

“Right then.” Spencer hadn’t expected the wave of relief that flowed over him. “Sooo, shall we say seven years from now? Seven years from now, on exactly this date, we’ll meet up and see if there’s still an us?”

The little smile on Aaron's face was still tinged with sadness but more warming than any sunlight could have been to Spencer right then.

“Why seven?”

"Well, five may be a bit short, all things considered, and ten is just such a horrible cliché and I like primes."

And that was apparently the right thing to say, even if it sounded somewhat ridiculous to his own ears because it made Aaron laugh. "Seven years then. I'll hold you to that." And he held out his hand for Spencer to shake, ignoring the awkward angle from still lying on the bed.

Spencer took the proffered hand. “Promise.”

“Promise.”

It felt like something a lot bigger than a stupid pact à la Hollywood.

Spencer leaned forward and held Aaron’s face between both his hands. He gave him one last kiss, filled with emotions rather than passion.

“I love you. Goodbye, Aaron.”

Walking away he heard the whispered “I love you, too,” but didn’t look back.

He couldn’t.

 


	4. Two Weeks

Aaron didn’t know how he felt about Monday.

Actually, he didn’t know how he felt about anything anymore. He was off kilter the whole weekend and even though he tried his best to appear normal when he picked up Jack after lunch on Saturday, his son caught it right away.

“Daddy, are you sad?” Nothing quite like worry in the eyes of your five-year-old. It also drew Jessica’s attention who’d come over to organise a few things for the upcoming week.

Aaron sat down with Jack on his lap. “Yes buddy, I’m a little sad. Uncle Spencer came over yesterday and told me that he’ll leave the team and move to LA.” He could hear Jessica suck in a harsh breath but stayed focused on his son.

“Why? The team is family. Doesn’t he want to be a part of the family anymore?”

“He’ll always be a part of our family. You don’t stop being family because someone moves away. But Uncle Spencer got hurt on the job and it isn’t healing all the way and that makes the work we do difficult for him. So he wants to work another job.” At least that was the easier part of the problem, the one Aaron thought Jack could handle.

Jack looked deep in thought. “Can’t he find a new job here? Then he could still come to cookouts and my birthday and Henry’s.”

“I’m sure he’d love to come to all the parties and if you want we can invite him for your birthday. I’m sure if he can get away from work, he’ll love to come. And honestly, I think Uncle Spencer could find a job anywhere.”

“Because he’s a genius!” Jack threw in excitedly.

“Exactly. But that also means they offer him all the really fun jobs and he looked at them all and thinks the very best for him is in LA.”

“But that’s soooo far away. He’ll be lonely and miss us all.”

“I’m sure he’ll miss us but he won’t be lonely. You see, Uncle Spencer went to university in LA and he still has friends there. One of his old friends will be one of his colleagues at the new job.”

“I guess it’s good that he won’t be alone. But I’m still sad he’s leaving.”

“Me too, buddy. Me too.”

With the immediate boost of resilience, only small children possess Jack's eyes lit up. "Can I make something for him? When does he leave? How much time do I have? I wanna make something really cool, so he won't forget me."

The energy made Aaron smile. “I don’t think anyone could ever forget you, but you have two weeks. Why don’t you go and make a plan of what you want to make? Then we can look if you have all the materials and if not, we can go and buy them.”

Jack kissed his cheek and dashed off to his room to draw up all kinds of fantastic plans that they’d later sorted through for doability.

Aaron stayed behind and slumped in on himself.

A kind hand settled on his shoulder. “Aaron...”

“How long have you known?”

"I noticed a connection between the two of you at Haley's funeral. I didn't think you were involved until you told me you were dating a man, but couldn't say any more about it. After that, I just put two and two together."

Aaron ran his hands down his face. He’d worked so hard to keep them a secret but he simply couldn’t outright lie to Jessica about why he asked her for the occasional evening of babysitting. He had also wanted to test the waters about her acceptance of a male partner in his life, subtly preparing for Jack to be told at some point.

He had been grateful for her reaction then and was even more grateful for her support now. There would be at least one person to talk to in the weeks and months to come.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“It’s mostly what I told Jack. Spencer has come to struggle with certain aspects of the job, for more reasons than his knee. He simply wants to quit before it eats him up.”

"And the move? From your mood, I'm assuming you're not staying together."

“His reasons for LA are good. He wants and I think needs a new start and some serious changes. There’s simply no way we would work over that kind of distance.”

“Oh Aaron, I’m so sorry. He made you happy and you deserve that.”

The compassion in her eyes made the break up even more real.

“Thank you. But he needs to be happy and healthy, too.”

Now Monday was here and he still wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

The elevator doors opened to let him onto their floor and he was only mildly surprised to find Spencer already at his desk.

“Morning, Hotch.”

“Good morning, Reid. What are you working on?”

Spencer started in on an explanation of the comparison of certain factors in parental abductions he wanted to finish up.

_‘No, not Spencer anymore. We’re only Reid and Hotch from now on.’_   It had never been any different at work but today it was another stab to his heart. 

“Let me know what comes out of it, this could refine our start profile for those cases,” was what he said out loud when Reid’s ramble came to an end. He got a nod in reply. “Have you thought about how you want to inform the rest of the team of your decision?”

“Ehm, yes, actually. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind calling the team into the conference room, maybe shortly before lunch? That way we could take a great deal of the shocked reactions, questions and protests out of the office over the break.”

“Of course, that sounds like a good idea. I’ll warn Strauss that we might take a longer lunch to settle the team down. Are you okay telling them or do you want me to do it?” He didn’t want to, not at all, but he’d do it for Spencer anyway.

“No, thanks. I think this should come from me. Besides, I wouldn’t want to dump this on you. I’m already making things hard on you, I don’t want to make it worse.”

Aaron simply nodded and allowed himself a single squeeze to Reid’s shoulder before he moved on to his own office and tried to concentrate on his paperwork.

 

* * *

 

 

Telling the team had gone about as good as Spencer had expected which was to say not at all.

Rossi had insisted on paying for a team lunch out and everyone had used the time to question him on his reasons and every single detail of his future plans. In the end, they had all come around, even though Morgan still vibrated with worry and Garcia was inconsolable about her baby-G-man leaving the nest. 

Bottom line was, they all wanted him happy and did their best to support him. Even though none of them liked it.

In true BAU fashion, they didn't get much time to fret over it because by 2 pm the following afternoon they were on their way to Maine, where a third teenaged couple had gone missing in as many months.

Spencer knew that Aaron kept even more of an eye on him than was usual. He could feel the looks and the worry and care expressed in them, but he steadfastly refused to acknowledge them. He was holding up alright, the coming change making the stress of the case less oppressive.

It took them five days but miraculously they found not only the UnSub in the grip of religious delusions but also all six teenagers alive, albite severely traumatised.

The outcome meant that the team members were in a relaxed mood during the flight home.

“I kinda hope that we’re not getting called out again next week, that this was your last case, Pretty Boy. Would be nice if you could leave with a good ending.”

Morgan had his back to Hotch, so he didn’t see the barely there flinch. But Spencer did.

"That would be nice, but in the end, it doesn't make that big of a difference." He rather wished they would stop reminding Aaron of his impending departure. There had been times over the last few days when they had all been fully focused on finding the victims and catching the UnSub when Spencer had seen nothing but the focused Hotch like nothing was wrong. Until the distraction of the chase had fallen aside somehow and the mask had slipped, leaving behind a hurting Aaron, at least for those that knew what to look for.

JJ was just as unaware of their unit chief’s struggle. “When will you stop coming out with us? I mean, if we get called out again like Friday, that’s supposed to be your last day. It would make little sense for you to come along and then turn on your heal and fly home.”

Hotch chose that moment to join the conversation. “Wednesday, Strauss has set the limit for Wednesday. If we are called out after that, Reid stays at Quantico, until then he would come along and depending on how the case is going we’d decide together if and when he flies back ahead of the rest of the team.”

“I really hope we don’t catch any case at all. Staying in the office or leaving you mid-case would both feel incredibly awkward.” Spencer tried to give the sombre mood a twist back to the lightness they had before. “I’ll happily settle for paperwork for my last week. I still have that one project to finish up.”

Morgan groaned. “Only for you, Pretty Boy. Only for you would I willingly endure a whole week of nothing but paperwork. But I expect some of that excellent coffee of yours as a reward.”

“I might be persuaded to share, but only if you actually do your own paperwork for a change.” That garnered an even more exaggerated groan from Derek, realising no other colleague would relieve him of that many of his files. The rest of the team had a laugh at his expense and even Hotch was smirking.

 

* * *

 

 

Thursday evening found only Hotch and Reid still at the office.

Aaron was fairly certain that the younger man had stayed behind on purpose rather than necessity, though he wasn’t completely sure why. He was yet again looking through the files of his shortlist of possible replacements for Reid.

Looking out of the window into the bullpen he couldn’t imagine anybody else sitting at that desk and yet, he had to choose the person who would. He looked back down to the files and felt certain at his pick. Only time would tell if she fit in with the team and could handle the challenges, but he liked her background and experience.

“Who did you pick?“

He hadn’t heard Spencer enter but wasn’t all that surprised.

“Alex Blake.”

“She’ll do well, I think.” Reid sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. “Her expertise in language will add to the team’s skillset and she’s a strong person, very solid. She might even draw Strauss’ ire away from you some. Those two don’t have a smooth past.”

“Enough issues that she shouldn’t join this unit?”

“No. Alex can keep things professional, despite feeling wronged. And if Strauss allowed her onto your list of candidates, she should be okay as well.”

They fell quiet for a bit and Aaron slowly cleaned up his desk.

“How are you feeling about it? Replacing me on the team that is.” Spencer’s voice was soft, almost hesitant.

Aaron took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Not so good, to be honest. But needs must and I’ll manage.” He sought his former lover’s eyes, wanting him to believe. “Don’t worry about me. Focus on your new start, make it everything you want it to be.”

The sad smile told him that he hadn’t succeeded.

“Once you let someone into your heart, you can never again not worry about them.”

“We’ll worry, too, with you all the way out in California. You’ll be missed here.” He couldn’t allow himself to get more personal. He was afraid his carefully constructed walls would crumble to nothing.

“I’ll miss this, too.” Spencer stood up and gave him a long assessing glance. “Goodnight, Hotch.”

He had left the office and was already shrugging into his coat when Aaron whispered “Goodnight, Reid. Sweet dreams, Spencer.”

 


	5. Two Months

Spencer took his second large suitcase off the conveyor belt at LAX.

Garcia had suggested he make it a road trip across the country, romanticising the adventure of it. But Spencer had simply pointed out that a) his beloved Amazon was indeed beloved and that he had no intention to put it through such an ordeal, and b) that a road trip lost much of its appeal when instead of providing landmarks, every other town evoked memories of some criminal or other.

No, he’d rather flown after loading his car onto a trailer and having a moving company pick up all his furniture and boxed up possessions.

He had planned to move into a hotel until he found a place he liked but that idea had been shouted down in protest.

So he wasn’t at all surprised when he left baggage claim for the waiting area and was greeted with loud cheers from all three Eppes men.

"Spence! It's so good to have you back here! I still can't believe you held out in DC this long. But at least you've come to your senses now."

"Hi, Charlie!" Spencer endured Charlie's hug easier than most others. They'd gone through their teenage years together and had often closed ranks against the older students. There weren't many people who got Spencer's way of thinking and the issues that came with an overactive mind, so there had always been a natural kinship between them that circumvented Spencer's usual defences.

After only a few seconds Charlie was prodded aside and Spencer was instead pulled into another set of arms, warm and strong and fatherly. "Welcome home, son. Good to have you back and about time, too. You're still as skinny as you were at thirteen! What's it about you brainiacs and forgetting to eat properly, hm?! Nothing a few decent home cooked meals can't fix and don't you dare argue with me, young man!"

"Hello, Alan. You know, I'm perfectly capable of caring for myself, have been since I was ten. I've missed your cooking, though." Alan Eppes was a not-so-closet mother hen and hadn't blinked and eye when his wife had brought home a shy little boy from Vegas, declaring he needed a second family while at CalTech.

They'd soon figured out most of Spencer's home life but had never threatened his status quo, as long as he seemed fine. Spencer knew how lucky he'd been to end up in the same program with Charlie and thereby come to the attention of the Eppes. Alan was the father figure William Reid had always been too distant for and Margaret had been a very close aunt, never trying to replace his mom. 

She'd made things infinitely more easy by coming to Vegas more than once and with the patience of a saint earning his mother's trust. When he started his third semester he'd been officially allowed to live with the Eppes as his guardians. It had saved him a lot of scrutiny and having to carefully - and sometimes illegally - navigate the system.

Where Alan was more of the caring strength in the background, Margaret had been a fierce protector and manager of all things on the forefront. Spencer still missed her terribly. 

But a long hug from Alan was definitely the next best thing.

When he was released he found the third Eppes standing a step back. "What's up, Don? Don't I get a hug from you, too?"

"Wasn't sure you were up for it after those two. Your tolerance for touch is limited after all."

"I've gotten better. My team or more precisely two of them and my godson wore me down, so you can stop being all manly and greet me properly."

Don snorted but gladly gave him a short hug plus a clap on the shoulder. "Glad to have you back, Spence, even though there'll be no stopping the nerdy math babble at home now."

"But you'll get twice the genius to solve your cases, so stop being a sourpuss," Charlie piped in.

Don took charge of his baggage cart and Alan guided him towards the parking garage with an arm around the shoulders while Charlie regaled him with the latest gossip about people they both knew from their university days.

Spencer let the feeling of family envelope him and stopped worrying about all the little things for the moment. The warmth and care filled up some of the gaping feeling of _missing_ he'd carried around for the last few weeks.

He snapped to attention already in the car when Alan said, "I've already started looking for houses you might like."

"Houses?! Why would I want a house? I like living in an apartment. A house means a garden and I don't know how to look after one, I don't want to look after a garden!"

"Putting down some roots would be good for you after all that flying around and living in hotels you've done the last years. And I already talked to a friend of mine who's in landscaping. He said it's easy enough to set up a garden that needs little work but would give you plenty of nice reading spots. Cause besides food, you need more fresh air, my boy, helps to clear the head."

"Yeah, because LA county is renowned the world over for its stellar air quality," Don snarked.

"Oh, you be quiet and focus on driving. You're the one who supposedly has this nice apartment to call home but spend most of your time off at the house."

"That's about the company," Don shot back.

"I'd say it's about the food and the bigger TV," was Charlie's opinion on the matter that earned him the hairy eyeball from his older brother and laughs all around.

Alan went back to making his case. "You'll have an easier time finding something to allow for a proper library looking for a house. And what when your old team and your godson come to visit? Much nicer to offer them a guest room at your place rather than have to send them to some anonymous hotel. And I'm guessing with side projects and the like you're financially as comfortable as Charlie is and he bought me out of our family home."

Spencer just hummed, neither confirming nor denying Alan's assumption. Some of his arguments did hold appeal, even though buying a house had been nowhere on his list of plans.

He figured looking over Alan's list couldn't hurt.

 

* * *

 

 

Alex Blake was fine. Really, Aaron had nothing to criticise about her work or competence or personality.

The most annoying thing was the obvious tension between her and Strauss, but he was hardly one to throw stones in that regard. It wasn't all that difficult to be at odds with that woman.

He had no idea what Dave saw in her.

They had just come back from their second case with Alex and her quick and intuitive analysis of the speech pattern in the messages left by the UnSub had been an immense contribution to solving the case. She made her points and explained her observations in the clear and measured tone of an experienced teacher. It had been oh so easy to follow her thoughts and trust her conclusion.

And all Aaron could think was how much he missed Spencer's excited rambling. The waving of hands. Even having to cut him off, remind him to come to the point. The glassed-over looks from the locals and the patient indulgence from the team.

He looked up from the paperwork he needed to complete and watched the exchange between his agents down in the bullpen. Everyone seemed relaxed with the weekend coming up and a good chance for actually having it off. There seemed to be an easy banter going back and forth, with Morgan being the chosen victim of the three women, but taking it lightly.

Blake fit in nicely. She had easily found a balance between being older but in the same position, not treating the others like students but not pretending to know less than she did.

Seeing her at that particular desk, however, made his heart ache.

He was so lost in his musings that Dave's voice startled him. "What has you all brooding?"

"I'm not brooding, merely contemplating the new dynamics within our team."

"Could have fooled me with that frown of yours, but what do I know? I'm just an old profiler after all."

Aaron threw him a Hotch glare, knowing very well that it wouldn't have any effect. And indeed Rossi leisurely dropped himself in one of the visitor chairs and just raised an expectant eyebrow. When Aaron refused to react he eventually gave up with a sigh and asked an actual question.

"Blake turned out to be a very good choice so far, so that's not it. Anything else that stresses you out? A certain section chief perhaps? I noticed you seem to have even less patience with Erin than usual."

Aaron fought the relaxation in his shoulders. He'd much rather have Dave looking at his annoyance with Strauss than drawing conclusions over his personal relationship. But letting that show would be a tremendous mistake.

"I find Strauss... taxing. It would be actually preferable if she could make up her mind and be either helpful or a problem. I find the constant back and forth exhausting and counterproductive. And I can't win. Her whole worries are based on a projected ambition I simply do not have and as a result, she seemingly holds me accountable for things I have no or little influence on."

"She's not all that happy having Blake here."

"That much is obvious but she signed off on the list of candidates I evaluated for Reid's position. If she had objections, she should have simply taken her off the list. Contrary to popular believe we aren't mind readers and guessing her wishes isn't part of my job description."

"I know she's difficult and illogical where you are concerned. I even pointed it out to her, but it's not getting through. I overheard her complaining to you about losing Reid."

Hotch groaned at the memory. It was somewhat ironic in all its painfulness. "I have no clue what I could have done differently there. It isn't as if I've run him off or encouraged his change in career. She was the one who accepted his resignation and worked out all the details before I was even told."

"And while we all noticed he wasn't feeling too stellar, none of us thought he would quit. I'm surprised he didn't talk things through with you, though. He always valued your opinion."

"When he told me he said he felt like this decision was one he needed to make only for himself and on his own. All his PhD subjects were encouraged by others or goals beyond his genuine interests. Gideon got really invested in getting him into the BAU. He felt it was time for an independent choice and I can't fault him for that."

Rossi looked thoughtful. "The kid sure has grown up. And you just have to hang in there with that legendary stoicism. Erin will calm down, she always does."

"Hopefully. The frustration grows tiresome."

A calculating look appeared on Dave's face and instantly got Aaron's guard up. "Of course it doesn't help that your relationship is going through a rough patch... if it hasn't already ended."

Aaron closed his eyes and counted to three. It had really been too much to hope for. "I'm not even going to ask, but just so you have the facts right, we broke up recently, amicably."

"Facts." Rossi made it a snort. "I know practically nothing. I just know you seemed in love, utterly secretive about it - which goes way beyond your normal level of privacy - and for a few weeks, you've been miserable. At first, I thought it was about Reid leaving, but thinking about it, you seemed all heart broken even before he left. And amicable breakup or not, it hurt you."

"Yes." Aaron decided there was no point in lying to Dave about this part so he might as well get a bit of emotional support out of it. "It was just... things got in the way, life, work... Maybe we just met at the wrong time, the wrong point in our lives. It wasn't any kind of big drama."

Rossi's answer was quiet. "The heart doesn't need big drama to hurt." He gave Aaron an assessing look and seemed to come to a decision. "Come on, pack up those files. They might as well be the ones you take home over the weekend. For tonight, dinner is on me, we'll have some good wine and you can tell me as much or as little about that mystery woman of yours that was stupid enough to walk away from you."

Glancing back down on his paperwork and feeling his stomach grumble at the mention of food, Aaron found he liked the idea, even though he could do without the semi-subtle interrogation looming ahead. At least Dave was reasonably far from the truth.

He had at least a moment of peace while Dave went to fetch his own things and packed up his briefcase. His fingers brushed against a letter tucked away in one of the compartments, a letter Spencer had sent him when he'd visited his mother for a few days more than half a year ago.

_I miss you._


	6. Eleven Months

It was only the second case that Don had outright asked Spencer to assist with. So far his contributions had mostly consisted of Charlie coming by his office to bounce ideas or discussions at the dinner table.

He may have moved into his own house – which Alan was still quietly triumphant about – but he was still regularly expected and always welcome at the Eppes.

Spencer had used the nine months since moving west to truly change his mindset from agent to professor and set up his department to his liking. There were some people already in place, colleagues from existing and associated projects and institutes that would contribute some of their work time to the new program he had been hired to create. But there were also new people to be hired. 

And while Spencer had a lot of theoretical knowledge about personalities, qualifications, team building and dynamics, transforming that into an actual hiring strategy in practice wasn’t an automatic step. There were of course university politics to manoeuvre as well and it had taken him about a week to be reminded of why he’d chosen to leave academia in the first place. But he’d manage.

Keeping his distance from investigative work had helped. Quite a few of the other professors had expressed worries that he would have an even more split focus than Charlie had and that while it might work with an established lecturer it would be detrimental with the head of a new department.

Those voices had often come with insinuations of him lacking the competence and experience to manage the job he was hired for, thinly veiled as offers of help.

It had paid off that he'd spent the last weeks in DC and the somewhat mindless task of packing his things to make a very detailed plan of how he wanted to organise the program and how it could further grow over the next years.

Charlie had had an awful lot of fun playing devil's advocate to help troubleshoot his plans before he actually presented them and so very little of the criticism had made an impact.

There were those among the other professors who were impressed and respected him for his good work and others who resented him even more. Apparently being given a job they didn’t think you deserved was a sin but actually excelling at it was blasphemy.

After failing to insert themselves into his work in the planning process, they switched their efforts to personnel. They didn’t have much more luck on that front either.

He often wanted to call Aaron and bitch about the grievance mongers. He gained a whole new level of understanding for Aaron's issues with Strauss and the true extent of his patience with certain local LEOs. He would have liked the open, understanding ear. He missed the unerringly precise words that Aaron would always find to show Spencer that he could very well deal with whatever situation he felt overwhelmed by.

But it didn’t feel fair.

Yes, they’d decided to stay friends and stay in contact. But using your ex-lover as a sounding board and shoulder to cry on right after you left him… that might be stretching it a bit.

So he wrote letters that only vaguely mentioned some growing pains at work and instead told anecdotes about house hunting, designing a watering system for the inevitable garden – without grass, thank you very much – and shared newly (re)discovered museums and other interesting places to see and explore when they got around to visiting him. It would have to do.

He was knee deep into the first round of grading papers and more than ready to flex his criminalist's muscles again. When had students' writing skills deteriorated to this absolutely atrocious state? And he didn't even have any first-year students to deal with.

Don’s team was hunting for a blackmailer targeting various companies producing food. The high risk of large parts of the population being poisoned if the UnSub made his threats a reality gave it a special urgency. There had already been eight deaths and more than twenty people would suffer from lasting aftereffects.

With the UnSub having gone completely off the grid Don had called in fugitive apprehension for support. But even with that, Charlie looking for patterns in the data, and Megan labouring over a profile, they still weren't anywhere close to finding the guy.

So Don showed up at his office door just at the right moment among his growing frustrations about students, scientists and academia in general. “Wanna come and help me catch a cowardly killer?”

“As horrible as that may sound, you just made at least my week.”

“Figured you’d want to get back into the fray sooner or later.”

Pretty much the first thing Spencer noticed when they entered what amounted to the team’s bullpen was Mister Tall-Dark-and-Handsome discussing various maps with Colby Granger. There was an air of contained danger about him that Spencer found alluring.

But he wasn’t here to admire the play of muscle under a casual shirt and jeans, he was here to help catch a killer, so he marshalled his thoughts over to the room Charlie had appropriated and where Don had promised him printed copies of everything they had to get caught up.

More than twenty hours later they were throwing ideas around about how the indicators Spencer had found in the blackmailer’s notes factored into the rest of the picture and if they could be quantified to make Charlie’s equation more precise and give Don, Edgerton and the others a more manageable area to search through.

Larry Fleinhardt strolled in with breakfast and coffee for everyone, making them properly aware of how long they’d been at it. He was looking over the various glass boards, in case a fresh set of eyes might spot something they had missed.

The others gratefully dug into food and caffeine.

"I ran into a very irritated Dr Samuels earlier," Larry said somewhat distractedly over his shoulder. "Do I have to give you the talk about playing well with others, Spencer?"

"What did he expect when he practically ordered me to give one of his doctoral candidates a job? One that I had talked to already, by the way, and who agreed with me that the main focus of her research doesn't fit in with my department's premise. What did he think he'd get out of trying to bully me on something like this?"

Larry’s answer came absolutely deadpanned. “Well, apparently that you have a permit to carry concealed and a preference for headshots was not it.”

Anyone who had just taken a bite regretted it and paid with a coughing fit and if Ian Edgerton was a man with less self-control he'd have sprayed coffee all over the table. Talk about looks being deceiving.

“What?” Spencer just looked around the room, secretly enjoying their surprise as much as Don’s proud smirk. “He pushed too far, despite my warnings. I just informed him of his circumstances.”

Larry seemed supremely unaware of the scene behind him and instead pointed at a group of many times rewritten calculations that had gotten them nowhere. “Charles, I’m not the expert here, but I believe these variables need to be switched around.”

Charlie and Spencer both got up to take a closer look and groaned at the same moment. No wonder the numbers didn’t make sense.

Charlie erased and rewrote their earlier work while Spencer draped a map over the centre table, making everyone scramble to get their food and drinks out of the way. Within five minutes they had their search sector narrowed down and were hurrying out towards the cars.

Spencer itched a little but stayed behind with Charlie and Larry. He was no longer an active agent and at least he could enjoy his coffee in peace.

Well, peace was relative when one of your oldest friends looked at you with that much reproach. “Headshots, Spencer, really?”

“Was I supposed to lie?”

 

* * *

 

 

On the way back from successfully arresting the blackmailer with only a shot to his shoulder, Edgerton turned to Don.

“So, who exactly is that skinny young genius you pulled in? He and the Doc seemed completely in their own world so I didn’t want to interrupt for something as banal as introductions.”

“That would be Prof. Spencer Reid, soon to have four PhDs and despite looking like a teenager in his grandfather’s suit some days, he’s less than a year younger than Charlie. He’s also former BAU and still has some weird associated consult position the bureau made up just to not lose him completely. He heads the new government pet department at CalTech.”

“Wait a moment – that is Hotchner’s genius?! No wonder he was so good at fusing science and investigation. Can’t believe I never met him around Quantico, heard about him plenty, though. He’s not quite what I expected.”

Don threw him a sideways look and gripped the steering wheel a little tighter.

“He’s also somewhat of a second little brother to me, so whatever you have on your mind, Edgerton, you better treat him right or you’ll come to regret it.”

“Not that I’m taking this lightly, especially as I’m assuming I’d have all three Eppes men after me, but as far as hands-off warnings go I’ve heard worse.”

Don let out a long suffering sigh. “Spencer would have my hide if I’d told someone to stay away from him. He’s perfectly capable of making his own decisions and if he wants you in his bed or life or whatever, that’s none of my business.”

“Sounds like a lesson learned the hard way.” Don loathed the chuckle in Ian’s voice.

“Hell, yeah. The kid was barely seventeen when I got my head bitten off over that.”

 

* * *

 

 

They all went out for drinks and some dancing that evening, agents and geeks happily mingling. Spencer found it easier to relax than with his old team, partly because there were others as unashamedly awkward as him and partly because there was less scrutiny.

Or at least another type of scrutiny.

He was completely aware that Don kept his eyes on him and Ian Edgerton. Spencer had already questioned Charlie about the man and endured his lot of teasing and obviously, Don had caught on to the mutual interest as well.

Spencer found he didn’t mind. If Don had honest concerns, he would have told him and while there was the occasional curious glance their way, nobody really cared.

Spencer enjoyed one drink and switched to non-alcoholic. He danced with his friends and made sure that Ian could see him. There was good conversation and lots of laughter and a chance or three to brush up against the intriguing sniper.

He wouldn’t mind more nights like this.

 

* * *

 

 

There was a knock on his front door, later than would be considered polite. But he hadn’t felt like going to bed, buzzing from the night out and had been reading, so the lights were still on. Looking through the glass plains beside the door he saw Edgerton standing outside and let the man in.

“A little late for a social call, don’t you think, Agent Edgerton?”

“That depends.”

Spencer relaxed back into the wall of his entryway.

Ian stepped right into his personal space and brushed his next words practically onto Spencer’s lips. “Tell me no and I’ll apologise and leave you alone.”

Nothing could be further from Spencer’s wishes. He captured the gaze of the other man and hoped that his own eyes conveyed the same degree of want. “Yes.”

The delivery was prompt and everything Spencer could have hoped for.

He found his lips seized and his body pressed into the wall. Strong hands ran down his body and grabbed his arse.

He buried his own fingers in Ian’s dark hair and pulled him closer, clashing their teeth together and just not caring. He used the leverage the wall offered to grind himself against the toned body, spurring him on.

When air became a necessity, Ian pulled back with a moan. “Fuck. Doc, you-“

"Spencer. If fucking is even an option then it's Spencer."

“Spencer. Gosh, look at you. How could I not want to fuck you?”

“Bedroom is upstairs.”

“Just like that?”

“We’re both grownups. Unless you’d rather wait.”

“Not really.” Ian lifted him up and Spencer instinctively wrapped his legs around the man’s waist. “Upstairs you said.”

“Yeah, to your right. And here I thought snipers were renowned for their patience.”

“Only when we have to be.”

“I can work with that.” He made good use of the track upstairs and pulled Ian’s shirt out of his trousers. When he worked it over the man’s head he found himself unceremoniously deposited on a sideboard in the hallway. Both shirts went flying somewhere and before he’d had a chance to complain Ian was kissing him again like he was his lifeline.

Spencer moaned when his hair was gripped tightly and dug his nails into the strong shoulders before he let his hands explore the large expanse of back bared to him. He used his legs to pull their groins together again and whispered, “Almost there.”

It was a good thing he could think ahead even with a lust-addled brain because he was yet again picked up with delightful ease. He soon found himself deposited on his bed and his pants and boxers pulled off. His mismatched socks - yellow with monsters and red with white polka dots - earned him a raised eyebrow before being flung in the general direction of the overstuffed reading chair in the corner.

Ian clearly enjoyed the view and Spencer didn’t mind the attention at all. He knew he was very slender but he’d become comfortable with it and really had nothing to hide.

“Strip,” he ordered and was pleased that it was immediately followed, quick and efficient rather than sexy, but he couldn’t care less given the view that was revealed.

He stretched for his nightstand and fished lube and condoms out of the drawer, dropping them beside him and making a come hither gesture towards his soon-to-be lover. Ian did him the favour of crawling onto the bed with all the power and elegance of a wild cat on the prowl and licking and kissing random patches of skin along the way.

When they were face to face again, Ian asked, “What do you want?”

“Your cock inside me and nice, hard and fast fuck. But it’s been a while.”

Ian just hummed his agreement and reached for the lube. His mouth went to work on Spencer’s neck, driving him to total distraction, while his fingers stretched him open. His hands may look rough, but he sure knew what to do with them. It wasn’t long until Spencer couldn’t take it anymore.

“Oh, damn, fuck me already!”

“Roll over, onto your knees?”

Spencer scrambled to comply, not caring that his bad knee would give him hell tomorrow. He had the day off so it didn’t matter.

He leaned onto his elbows and let his head rest on his arms, the anticipation part of the fun.

He could hear Ian rip open the condom wrapper and the click of the lube. “Heavens, you could tempt a saint like that.”

Spencer smirked and wiggled his butt a little. It was always nice to be wanted.

His smirk gave way to a groan when Ian entered him in one smooth move and with almost no break started to fuck him with deep strokes. The calloused hands held onto his hips but there was no restriction in the hold. Spencer eagerly pushed back onto the cock in his arse, encouraging Ian to pick up the speed.

His prostate got all the stimulation it needed and all too soon he was coming with a shout. Ian fucked him all the way through the orgasm before he allowed himself to come as well.

They dropped to the side, avoiding the wet spot, and just took a few moments to regain their breath.

Eventually, Spencer turned onto his back so he could see Ian's face. "You know, I could totally do this again. Well not within the next hour or so, but in general."

In response, he got a funny sounding combination of a groan and a laugh. "You're something else, you know that? But yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to doing this again either."

“Now there’s a ringing endorsement if I ever heard one.” Spencer was trying to get up but was pulled back by a strong arm around his waist.

“Hey there, give me a moment, okay. This was fantastic, you’re without a doubt one of the best lays I ever had. It’s just... I’m not exactly in the market for a relationship. I don’t want to raise false expectations. And I’m sorry if I already hurt you with this, I’ll deliver myself into the mercy of the Eppes men.”

That stopped Spencer's halfhearted struggle with an exasperated sigh. "I guess I should give you kudos for approaching me at all in face of the lecture Don likely gave you."

"Don't be too hard on him. He kept it fairly harmless, just making sure I knew where everyone stood."

Spencer gave him a doubtful look, but whatever had been said hadn’t run the man off, so that should count for something.

“I’m a restless soul, Spencer, I work all over the place, not even always stateside and when I’m here I’m based out of Quantico. I end up here in LA somewhat regularly, but even if I was looking for something serious, this would be less than ideal conditions.” 

And didn’t that sound familiar to Spencer. “I’m not looking for a relationship either. Not even sure I’m ready for a new one.” Thankfully Ian didn’t pry into that statement and the melancholic tone that came with it. “I enjoy sex. Right now it’s the only part of the usual dating/relationship package I want. But I’m not a fan of random one night stands either.”

“So if we were to meet up for some recreational intercourse whenever convenient, you’d be on board with that?”

“Did you really just use the term recreational intercourse? I’m supposed to be the geek here, you know.” They both had to laugh about the absurdity that was this conversation. “But yes, I’d be very much on board with such an arrangement. No strings attached, just some easy fun.”

“And if one of us finds someone else along the way?”

"If that new someone has any potential for something more than this stops. I hate the implication of being or having a little something on the side. But as long as any other encounter doesn't have any deep emotions attached, I don't mind."

“We only promise to always stay safe, with others and each other and be honest about any new developments.”

“Sounds good. Deal?” Spencer held out his hand in mock seriousness.

Ian gave him an indulgent smile and answered, “Deal,” but used the proffered hand to pull Spencer closer and gave him a more languid kiss.

Spencer let himself drop away from the seductive lips. “Great. Because I need a shower.” This time he managed to get up from the bed and headed for the attached bathroom. “You’re welcome to scrub my back, you know.”

 


	7. Two And A Half Years

“You want to do what?! Isn’t that a bit ambitious?” Aaron shared Dave’s good mood and was all for celebrating, that everyone in their mixed and matched family had survived the latest drama without major injury.

But Dave being his most Italian was about to add a healthy dose of romance and style to the mix. And the minor impossibility of organising a wedding in roughly 24 hours.

“Hold on, I’m going to ask. - Listen up, Rossi’s asking if you‘re all free tomorrow evening.”

With everyone echoing Derek’s sentiment of ‘as long as Rossi’s buying’ Aaron passed on the message and returned to his office. “Do you need help with anything?”

_“Nah, I’ll let my money do the work. You could get me the phone number of JJ’s mom. She has to be here for it of course and I’m hoping she has some ideas about the dress.”_

“Sure, I’ll text you the number. Who else do you plan to invite?”

_“I’ll find a chance to talk to Will, see if there’s anyone he’s close to and wants around. And of course Reid. I should probably call him first and check out flights.”_

“Good idea. Want me to do it?” Aaron felt he should offer but at the same time calling Spencer to invite him to a wedding they wouldn’t attend together felt off.

_“No, I’ll do it. You get the fun of telling the others about the plan and see their faces. I want at least the kid’s excited babbling. Are you bringing someone? Maybe that triathlon lady of yours?“_

“Beth? We’ve barely started training together, I don’t think that would be the right signal about the sort of relationship we’re having.”

_“That, my friend, depends on which kind of relationship you want to have with her.”_

Aaron sighed. “Dave, you already have a wedding to put together. Could you, for the time being, not play Yenta on top of that?”

_“You’re no fun. But okay, I’ll shut up about your lack of dates for now.”_

"Thank you, how incredibly gracious. I was actually thinking about bringing Jessica. She's been saying that she hasn't seen the team in such a long time and she just loves weddings. I think, if her parents had allowed it, she would have probably become a wedding planner. Maybe she could help you if you run into any issues."

_“I’ll have you know that I am perfectly capable of planning a wedding on my own. I’ve seen plenty and been involved in enough. Okay then, I put you down for two and a half and now I need to make a call to LA.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Spencer was about to send the call to voicemail and return his attention to the elaborate cookout Alan had prepared in the backyard. Rossi’s number was not what he expected to see on his display.

He had valiantly tried not to obsess over the latest news stories, but the worry and the guilt about not being there with them had been nagging in the back of his mind. They shot through the roof now and for long seconds he just stared at the ringing object.

He made himself move before the others could notice and answered, knowing that news got neither better nor worse when delayed. “Hi Rossi, everyone all right?”

_"Reid! So I take it you watched our local news. Yes, everyone is fine. Will's a little worse for wear, but nothing a little TLC won't fix. JJ was really shaken by the events and as a result, she finally put the poor guy out of his misery and agreed to marry him. Would have done it right there in the hospital."_

Spencer slumped in relieve hearing all that. “That’s great, so I guess I’ll get to see everyone at the wedding soon.”

_“That’s why I’m calling. You better go book yourself a flight. I’m organising the wedding as a surprise... for tomorrow.”_

“Tomorrow?!” Spencer was out of his chair in an instance and most definitely had the attention of everyone in the garden.

“Everything all right, Spencer?” Alan asked in a worried tone, but Spencer only held up his hand signalling for him to wait.

_“Yes, in the evening at my place.”_

“Evening. Evening should be doable.” Spencer was running through things to do and possible ways to accomplish them in his mind. “Okay. I have to get home and pack. And I need to check for flights. I’m going to text you as soon as I know when I‘ll arrive.”

_“Okay, kiddo. Deep breaths, you’re not the one getting married. You’re welcome to stay in one of my guest rooms, by the way. That way you don’t have to figure out a hotel on top.”_

“Thanks for the offer. I might have another option, but I have to check that. I’ll let you know. Gotta go.” He hung up before Rossi could throw even more at him.

It wasn’t even so much the hurry he found himself suddenly in, it was more the disconnect from the people he still called a family. Their lives were going on and changing drastically and if nobody remembered to call him, he was left on the outside, unknowing, excluded.

He hadn't been forgotten, of course, this was all just very spontaneous. But the possibility seemed a little too real all of a sudden.

“Hey, hey, hey. Deep breaths, Spencer. What’s going on? What’s the problem?”

He must be really a little off the track if two people told him to breathe within minutes. Alan's advice though came with warm hands firmly rubbing down his arms and kind eyes filled with worry. One family may be far away but the other was right here, surrounding him.

He finally took that deep breath and felt a lot more grounded. "Nothing's wrong, not really. It's just that I have to be in DC by tomorrow evening because the parents of my godson are finally getting married."

“And why are you invited only now?” Amita voiced the puzzlement they all felt.

“Because it was a spontaneous decision and the actual wedding feast is a surprise for the bride. I‘m sorry, Alan, but I need to get there.”

“You also need food. You’re no good to anyone if you pass out and the abomination they serve on planes doesn’t qualify.”

Spencer was about to protest when Charlie piped in. “I’ll get my laptop and look up flights, No need to hurry when the next is only in six or seven hours.”

“The next flight for Dulles leaves in 2 hours and 24 minutes.”

“Yeah, but what your mega memory can’t tell you is whether or not that flight is already booked out or not, so let me get my laptop.”

Spencer was a little peeved but Charlie was right of course. Turned out the next reasonable flight without multiple hours of layover in the middle of the country, that still had seats available wasn’t leaving until the next morning. So, much to Alan’s delight, he had time enough to eat, go home to pack his bag and suit and catch a couple hours of sleep before he had to leave.

It meant he wouldn't arrive in DC before 2 pm local time, but that was still early enough to get presentable for an evening wedding.

Don made a show of complaining but let himself be prodded into the role of chauffeur to ensure Spencer made it to LAX with no issues.

 

* * *

 

 

Aaron had thought that being around Spencer in such a relaxed atmosphere would be his biggest - and frankly only - problem of the night. Arriving at Rossi’s he’d barely made it through the door when it became obvious that it wasn’t.

Just like Morgan he’d noticed how distant Emily had become in some ways and just like Morgan he worried about it. But he wasn’t too happy about having to address it in a setting like this, potentially ruining the mood for what should be one of the happiest days in the life of a dear friend. 

Luckily, Emily agreed and they shelved the discussion until the next day, but that still left him with the nagging feeling that he might be losing another agent, another person he cared about deeply.

He pushed these thoughts and emotions firmly into a box.

Following the voices and music out into the garden, he had to admit that Dave had managed his self-appointed task more than well. The garden was a tasteful fairytale of romance and everyone around was enjoying it immensely.

The sound of Jack’s laughter drew his eyes to the side and his heart jumped a little at the sight. Spencer was crouched down and playing magic tricks with what looked like one of the rings to entertain Henry. Jack was standing with them, watching with rapt attention how it was done correctly. Spencer had started to teach him before his move and Jack was still practising whenever he got a suitable object into his hands.

Aaron couldn't help but admit that Spencer looked good. There was a lot less tension in his shoulders and the shadows were mostly gone from his eyes. If pressed to describe him with one word, Aaron would have settled on _happy_.

It stung that this happiness had come without him, but that was petty jealousy and something he never wanted to indulge in. And he was truly glad that the changes and the move had worked out for Spencer. He never wanted to see him miserable.

Spencer laughed and got up when the boys turned around and ran over to Garcia and Jessica, likely to try and imitate the tricks. He gave his bad leg a little shake after his crouched position before he started to walk towards the rest of them. When he walked through a patch of light, Aaron had to rethink his earlier word choice. Spencer didn’t look just happy, he looked amazing.

Aaron had always thought bow ties looked cute on the genius, but he wasn’t stupid enough to use that word where he could be heard. He had no idea Spencer owned a tux but there was no chance the one he was wearing was not his own, it fit his slender frame way to well. Maybe he had regular use for it with university events and such. He hadn’t had a look into Spencer’s closet for more than two years after all.

He gave himself a firm mental shake when hazel eyes locked with his and Spencer turned in his direction.

"Hello, Hotch! It's good to see you." The greeting was friendly and casual, just what you'd expect among old friends. Aaron was pretty sure he was the only one who could tell it was partly artificial, who could see the tint of sadness behind the smile.

“Reid, I’m glad you could make it on such short notice. This really wouldn’t have been complete without you.”

They mingled and laughed, drank good wine and talked about inconsequential things like work and Jack’s latest science project. That was until Garcia asked with that innocent curiosity of hers, “And, my baby-no-longer-G-man, are you seeing someone I should investigate?”

Aaron stiffened but did his best to cover it up with a sip of his scotch. Spencer blushed slightly, not a reaction that settled Aaron's heartbeat.

“I... well, it’s not really a relationship, but there’s someone I meet up with when our schedules allow. It’s fun and we both like it this way.”

Morgan looked like his whole world had shifted, while the women just commented with variations of “Good for you”. Aaron was torn between another touch of jealousy and the relief that Spencer really didn’t sound like he was all that emotionally invested. And that made him feel like a bit of an arse.

Spencer was laughing about whatever Morgan had said, that Aaron had completely missed distracted by his inner turmoil. The young man then turned to Garcia. “Please, Queen Of The Databases, Oracle Of All Knowledge, please don’t investigate, grant me some privacy and rest assured that I have a self-declared big brother and father over there who are quite enough of a threat to my dignity.” That made the whole group dissolve in laughter and even Aaron was caught up in the good mood.

The ceremony was simple and lovely, the bride beautiful and radiant, and the groom quite obviously over the moon.

Aaron made himself enjoy it. He couldn’t be more happy for his friends and he was determined that nothing would interfere with the celebration of their love. Once they left the excellent dinner behind he was looking forward to the dancing.

With most everyone knowing each other, it wasn't a particularly formal affair and couples changed almost every song. And when his eyes drifted to Spencer every so often, he could only hope that nobody noticed. Spencer's flair for the unorthodox made not just him laugh quite a few times, but Aaron could also see that the practising they had done a couple of evenings in the younger man's apartment had paid off.

Aaron enjoyed every dance. All the ladies were beautiful in their own right and good dancers that easily followed his lead. All the songs were well picked and carried them over the floor.

All that was missing was a chance to do it with Spencer.

By the time they were all heading home the big round of goodbyes allowed him to get away with one warm hug. Spencer’s arms came up around his back like it was the most normal thing in the world and he revelled in the warmth of the touch. He daringly brushed his nose along the crisp white collar and inhaled the still familiar smell.

On the way home, he tried to figure out why he seemed so fond of torturing himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Spencer was standing outside Ian’s door.

Somehow he couldn’t bring himself to enter. It would be easy enough, he was expected, even had his own set of keys given to him just this afternoon for the duration of his short stay.

But facing his casual lover seemed difficult as raw as he felt.

He was still contemplating the door when it opened from the inside.

“Better do your thinking on the inside before one of the neighbours calls the police.” Ian didn’t sound annoyed, more a little teasing. There was also worry in his eyes. Great, that was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, bringing his mess into Ian’s home, disturbing the peace of his evening.

Spencer gave a sheepish half-smile and a shrug and entered through the door Ian was still holding for him. What else could he do at this point?

He toed off his sneakers in the hallway and dropped onto the couch in front of the muted TV with a sigh. He slumped over with his face in his hands trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings.

When the flickering of the TV vanished and the couch dipped beside him he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to do so on his own.

“You don’t look like a man who had an enjoyable evening at a close friend’s wedding, meeting old friends and indulging in good food and wine.”

“The wedding was lovely, really. No idea how Rossi put all that together in a day, but I think it was all that JJ ever wanted. And it was nice to see all of them again, to share the old jokes and just hear how everyone’s getting on. Lot’s of dancing as well.”

“But?”

“But it was difficult to see Aaron again and in such a setting.”

Ian stayed quiet for a few minutes and Spencer didn’t dare to look at him right then. “There are few people who call Hotchner by his first name. I take it, he’s the one you’re not quite out of love with.” 

There was no accusation in his tone, but Spencer still kept his head down as he nodded.

“Oh, Spencer,” was said on a very long breath. He stiffened up when a strong hand settled on his shoulder, but relaxed again when it started to slightly massage the base of his neck. 

“I’m sorry I never told you.”

"Look at me?" Spencer screwed up his courage and did as asked. There was nothing but warmth in Ian's eyes. "You don't owe me any kind of explanation or disclosure of your former lovers. I certainly haven't told you a lot about mine. That I happen to know your ex in a professional capacity doesn't change that."

“And yet I end up on your couch all maudlin because I went to a wedding where I couldn’t dance with said ex, so it’s suddenly become sort of your problem.”

“It’s not a problem. Being always in the best and horniest of moods when we happen to meet was never part of the deal, so stop feeling guilty about something you couldn’t avoid.”

“Thanks.” Spencer’s voice sounded small even to himself but the smile was more open and less forced this time.

“At least now I know what attracted you to me even before I got to convince you of my qualities in the bedroom.”

The atypical cheekiness in Ian’s tone made Spencer wary but he played along and dutifully asked, “What?”

“You have a type and I happen to match it,” Ian answered with a triumphant smirk.

Spencer dropped against the back of the couch with a groan. He couldn't dispute Ian's observation with any honesty, but dammit that wasn't how he expected this night to go. "So, you okay being typecast?"

Ian chuckled. “Sure, we all have arbitrary preferences, nothing wrong about it. I don’t feel like a replacement if that’s what you mean.”

“Good. Because you’re not. You... in some ways you two are quite different. And the connection I have or at least had with Aaron is built on so much drama we went through together. It’s not something that can easily be replicated and I for one wouldn’t want to.”

“From what I heard about the BAU over the years I can understand that. It’s okay, Spencer. Our relationship is different from what you had with him, we are both in this with completely different expectations and under different circumstances. You don’t have to apologise for any of that. And my ego is healthy enough to handle it.”

Spencer snorted. “I’m actually sure that there isn’t all that much that your ego can’t handle. Thanks for being this understanding.”

“Sure. Come on.” Ian got up from the couch and pulled Spencer with him, switching off lights as he went and starting to peel the younger man out of his tux in between.

“Ian! What are you doing?”

“Taking you to bed. You’ve had an exciting day and exhausting night. Little geniuses need their sleep so they can go back to torturing students.”

Spencer tried to resist Ian’s hands pulling up his undershirt. “I’m... I’m not sure I’m up for that right now.”

“What, sleep? You just lay down, close your eyes and let your mind drift off. I know it can be difficult with a busy mind like yours, but I know you can do it, I’ve seen you fall asleep often enough.”

“Watching people sleep his creepy,” Spencer protested but let himself be dragged into the bedroom and finally lifted his arms so his undershirt could come off.

“It’s not my fault you usually fall asleep first when I come over.”

“Smartass.”

They took turns in the bathroom and crawled into bed in their usual sleep clothes.

“This is strange,” Spencer stated after a few minutes in the dark. “We don’t normally have this much clothes on when we share a bed.”

“I don’t mind if you want less. There’s just usually a reason we wear less.”

“No! No, it’s fine. This is fine, just different.” He took a deep breath to settle the frantic in his voice. “I don’t really know what I want. I’m sorry, I’m all over the place.”

A familiar arm was extended towards him. He hadn’t even noticed how much space he had left between them before now. “Come here.”

Spencer hesitated for a few seconds but when the arm never wavered he rolled over and got comfortable with his head on Ian’s shoulder. He couldn’t contain the content little sigh when the arm curled up around his back. “I’m still not sure this is part of our casual sex partner deal.”

“But we’re friends as well. Friends comfort each other. So shut it, take the comfort and get some sleep.”

"Yes, sir!" He got tangled up in the blanket when he tried to add a mock-salute.

This time he stayed awake for quite a while after Ian had already fallen asleep. His emotions were still a mess rolling around between his heart and his mind. In the end, he was glad he wasn't alone right now, even if things weren't all that ideal.

 


	8. Two Years, Seven Months

“You really should ask her out, you know.”

“Dave...” Aaron felt as long suffering as he sounded.

“Oh, you‘re not pretending to have no idea who I’m talking about. Good, that’s progress.” His longtime friend settled in one of his visitor chairs and not for the first time Aaron considered to get rid of them, just so David Rossi would have less of a platform to harass him about his personal life.

“I’d really appreciate it if you would invest yourself in your own matters and stay out of mine.”

“My matters don’t need much investment right now. Everything is going very satisfactory.” He had the smile of the cat that caught the canary.

“And that’s already more than I ever wanted to hear about my superiors personal affairs. Thanks.” Aaron made absolutely no attempt to keep the sarcasm from dripping from his words.

“But because things are going so well, I can invest my time and energy into you and help you move on and get out. You sure need it.”

“Believe it or not but I can manage perfectly well on my own. I just happen to be content with things as they currently are.” He tried to go back to his paperwork, having every intention of being home in time for dinner despite the marathon of meetings he’d been forced to endure over the day.

Dave, however, clearly wasn’t prepared to give up so easily. “See, that’s the point. Content isn’t happy and I think that’s what you should be aiming for. You deserve to be happy and don’t you think Jack deserves for his dad to be happy as well? It’s been what, almost three years since that secret relationship of yours ended. Seeing as you don’t talk about it at all I have no clue what happened there, but I can only hope that it wasn’t as much of a mess as with Haley.”

Aaron closed his eyes for a moment. He had known that Dave had caught on to the fact that he was seeing someone at the time, but it had never been brought up again until today. And seeing Spencer at the wedding had scratched on the barely healed wound of losing him so it was bad timing on Dave’s part.

“Nothing happened, it just ended. Relationships sometimes do. And I really don’t have much interest in a new one for the time being.”

"Okay, be all secretive, if you want to. But you need to get out more, meet more people. And don't tell me you meet new people all the time, that's our job and we put on even more of a professional mask as they do if they aren't suspects or victims to begin with."

“I’m not lonely.”

“No, you have Jack and Jessica, and the team for the occasional evening out. But that’s an incredibly small circle and I’m the first to admit that surrounding yourself with our job to that degree isn’t exactly healthy. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way and am still working on keeping the balance. And a family based on work is easily susceptible to career changes, as we are learning yet again.”

“You forget all the other parents I meet at school things and soccer.”

"You meet moms, Aaron, and you keep a safe distance from most of them to avoid becoming the next husband or the exciting bit on the side. Can't say I blame you, the soccer-moms alone drive me nuts." Dave visibly shuddered thinking of the complete lack of shame they encountered on the side of the soccer field.

“So what, should I be grateful you’re not pushing me towards one of them?”

“Oh please! I have better taste than that and I would like to further be considered your friend. But I worry about you and I’ve known you long enough to know that sometimes, you need a push.”

“And yet, the last time I was seeing someone you only figured it out when the relationship was already well established.” Aaron leaned back in his chair and made no effort to hold back the smugness.

“Yeah. No idea how that happened. How long were you two together? Or is even that too much to ask between old friends?” There was some actual hurt showing through and that was in itself a rare occurrence with David Rossi, so Aaron decided to give him that much.

“We were together for a little more than a year and a half.”

“Wow, even before Haley’s death then. I really didn’t notice until a few months after that. You keep things too close to the chest at times, my friend. I don’t think anybody else on the team noticed that you were going through a breakup right around the time Reid left the team. Don’t think they even caught that anything else was wrong.”

Aaron had to swallow and carefully control his reaction. He didn’t want to let on how close to home Dave had hit with that innocent remark. “As much as this team is family for me, I really prefer a clear line between things that happen on the team and those that are strictly personal.”

Rossi fell quiet for a few moments and Aaron was about to resume his reading and signing off, when he returned to his original topic. “Why aren’t you asking her out?”

Aaron tried but couldn’t stop the eye-roll.

“No seriously. Why not? What’s wrong? You say she’s nice, you have your training as a common ground to start from, her job is completely different and I’m sure she has interesting things to share about her work... Why not ask her out for dinner? Just have a nice evening, some grown-up, non-killer, non-kids related conversation, maybe go to a movie. What could be so bad about it?”

Aaron took a bit to answer that because Dave wasn't wrong. "I think, I'm not sure if I'm prepared to deal with the expectations it might raise."

“But maybe you enjoy yourself and the expectations end up being mutual.” The hope in his old friend’s voice was rather adorable and Aaron didn’t quite know how to deal with it.

“I’ll think about it. Now, go linger in your own office or Strauss’s if you need to. I have a son to get home to and this,” he waved over the files on his desk, “is kind of in the way.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was the morning after he had gone out for dinner and a movie with Beth and Aaron hadn’t really expected Dave would reign in his curiosity. At least he’d brought coffee.

“So, how was it?”

“It was a nice evening. She kissed me when I picked her up.” He furrowed his brows. “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“What? Since when do you have a problem with strong, assertive women?”

“It’s not that. I just... don’t know how I feel about it.”

He felt Dave’s eyes trying to analyse him but he didn’t really care. He hadn’t made up his mind and he wouldn’t be hurried - by no one.

“Sooo, will there be another date?”

“Probably. It really was a nice evening, for both of us I think. We’ll see what comes of it.”

"I'm just glad you are giving it a try." With that, Dave got up and left his office.

Aaron knew he meant it. He also knew he was nowhere near Beth’s level of interest, at least not yet. Only time would tell.

 


	9. Three Years, Four Months

Spencer hit send for the pre-typed message when he heard the thud of Ian closing the door of his truck. The steps halted on his porch before they continued on.

_The door is open. Leave your shoes. I’m upstairs._

He had a plan and he was counting on Ian to follow his lead. The man was adventurous enough to play along not yet knowing the plan and Spencer was certain there would be no objections.

It was easy enough to figure out what was going on downstairs just by the sounds. The front door being locked, keys dropped into the bowl on the side table, the gun safe opening and closing, soft steps climbing the stairs and approaching the open bedroom door.

There was a very audible intake of breath and Spencer looked up with what he hoped counted as a come-hither smile. He didn’t say a word, instead beckoning Ian closer to where he was kneeling on the floor with spread legs. Naked.

Dark eyes utterly focused on him, Ian stepped right into his personal space, just where Spencer wanted him. There was merely the rise of an inquisitive and challenging eyebrow, otherwise, Ian seemed perfectly willing to let Spencer take control.

On a whim he decided to take his sweet time, running his hands over the jean-covered legs and butt, only ghosting over the hardening cock. He got rid of the sturdy belt as it would only be a hindrance later, then untucked the polo shirt and teased the skin above the waistband with his lips.

Ian's breathing increased and Spencer could feel the goosebumps and shivers running over him, but the man proved his impressive self-discipline and kept his hands at his sides. It didn't take long for Spencer to grow tired of his little game and so he unbuttoned the fly of the jeans. He hummed with satisfaction when the large cock jutted out immediately because Ian had done him the favour of going commando.

He left the pants as they were and after a single, wet kiss pressed to the underside of the cock went right for his price and took it into his mouth. He used his tongue to play with the head and savoured the first proper taste of the other man.

Ian let out a low moan and Spencer could see his hands clenching into fists to hold back.

Next Spencer grabbed a firm hold of the still jean covered butt and stopped all pretence of teasing. He bopped his head up and down the hard length, taking it almost all the way and pulling out every trick in the book. He counted it as a success when Ian broke his silence and a selection of expletives and praise fell from his lips intermingled with moans and groans.

He could tell that Ian was getting closer to the edge but he had him where he wanted him so the last step of his plan could proceed. He stopped the motion of his head and reached for one of Ian’s hands, guiding it to the back of his own head. He looked up to him, as awkward as the angle was, and was satisfied to see Ian too dazed to have already caught on.

Spencer returned his own hands to Ian’s arse hand used them to get him to move, to fuck his mouth. Fingers tightened in his hair, carefully trying to guide him and he willingly followed their lead.

“Oh, fuck. Spencer... damn that’s hot.” 

Ian thrust his hips with more purpose and it was Spencer’s turn to let his hands fall to his sides. He had orchestrated this exactly how he wanted it, now he closed his eyes and revelled in the feeling of the cock being pushed into his mouth again and again. His own cock was hard and leaking but he had no intention of paying any actual attention to it, simply letting the whole atmosphere push his arousal slowly higher.

He stayed just aware enough to know when Ian was about to come.

When the moment was almost there, he grabbed Ian’s butt again, pulled him close while relaxing his throat and swallowed his lover down. The move startled a surprised yelp from Ian that morphed into a deep groan as his orgasm ran through him. Spencer pulled back just enough to catch the second spurt of come on his tongue and the familiar salty taste was enough to trigger his own orgasm.

They were both still catching their breath when Ian asked, “Not that I’m complaining, but what did I do to deserve such a surprise?”

“Those shots you took today were very impressive. I figured they warranted a reward.”

“Don’t tell me you have a gun kink you hadn’t mentioned before.”

“Not at all. I do however have a kink for competence and precision.” He winked at Ian and finally pulled down his jeans and pushed them aside once Ian had stepped out of them. He then held up his hands. “Help me up?”

It would be annoying with how much ease he was pulled to his feet if he wasn’t frequently a beneficiary of all that strength and all the possibilities it created.

“Your knee doing okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine or at least it will be fine in the morning.” He prodded his lover out of his t-shirt and pulled him the last few feet towards the bed, kicking aside the spread out towel he had been kneeling on.

"You got any more plans for the night?" was asked teasingly.

“Sleep. It’s terribly late and we both had exhausting days. But if you are a good little sniper and don’t snore too much, I might wake you up by sitting on your cock in the morning.” Spencer crawled under the duvet and held it up for Ian to follow.

“I never had complaints about snoring, you know,” Ian said as he settled in and switched off the only remaining light.

“Well, then you might be a very lucky man in the morning.”

 

* * *

 

 

Aaron played the role of supportive and attentive partner at the opening night to the new exhibition Beth had put together. He probably shouldn’t feel like wearing a mask for such an event, but there wasn’t anything he could do about the ramifications of this revelation tonight, so he simply made sure that nobody else would notice.

Modern art wasn’t really his thing but the show’s title was _Emotions_ and in Aaron’s humble opinion the up and coming artist had done a fairly good job with expressing various feelings in colours and shapes. Watching the reactions the guests had to the paintings was rather entertaining to him. It was also a good starting point for any comments asked of him.

Beth was in her element charming people and promoting the young painter without appearing pushy. He strolled around, complimenting how well structured the exhibition was and what a wonderful job she'd done setting up the opening. He paid attention not to miss when she called him over to make introductions to some of the visitors and said all the right things during the ensuing small talk.

It was easy. These social mores and rituals had been trained into him from an early age on, no matter that he never seemed able to satisfy his parents' expectations. If only his heart was in it.

And even with his best efforts he noticed the occasional probing sideways glance from Beth but pretended not to. She had worked hard for this evening and he would not be the reason the mood got a damper.

The next morning over the breakfast table in her apartment she no longer allowed him to avoid the conversation.

“Where are we going with this, Aaron? Because you sure seem to keep your distance.”

“I’ve always had difficulties letting people close. I’m sorry if I hurt you with that; I’m not sure I can change it, though.” And he really was. Beth was a lovely person and it was in no way her fault that he couldn’t let her into his life any further. It just felt so wrong to him and he had no interest to get any closer. Maybe it wasn’t fair but that was how he felt. Maybe he should have stuck with his gut feeling and not have started dating at all.

Beth looked at him intently. “I’m not the kind of woman who believes she has the power or even the right to change a man to her liking. I’m not complaining, I just don’t know where I stand with you. When we’re together you say and do all the right things, your heart just never seems in it. And maybe you’re not even aware of it, but you are keeping me mostly away from Jack.” 

That caught him by surprise but thinking about it, he had to agree. He barely suggested things for the three of them to do together and he'd discouraged a number of attempts on her part to include Jack.

While those lightbulbs had switched on in his mind, Beth had continued. “Not that I don’t appreciate that you aren’t primarily casting for a stepmom for your son, it is rather telling that you don’t allow for a relationship to form between me and him.” She sighed and Aaron got the feeling that she was coming to her main point.

“Look, I don’t mean to demand more time with your son or more access to your life. But I have to admit that I would like to feel wanted a little more. And I think I deserve that.”

"Yes, you do," Aaron said it quietly and completely believed it.

"But I won't get it from you." There was no question and she let it hang between them for long moments. "I have a job offer to consider. It's a very interesting challenge and a good next step for my career. The job is in New York."

Aaron blew out a breath. "No matter the state of our relationship, I would never tell you not to pursue your career because of me. It would be completely unfair and hypocritical at that. So if you want to accept this offer then I'd say go for it."

“Do you think our relationship has any chance of surviving the distance?”

“I honestly do not know. But if I’m not giving you what you want - and I can’t see me changing in that regard, no matter how unfair that might be to you - maybe you’d be better off cutting your losses with me and looking for something new. For someone who can appreciate you and treat you as you deserve.” He hesitated a moment but then added, “I’m sorry I can’t be that person for you.”

He could see a shimmer of tears in her eyes as well as the resolve not to let them fall. “That’s it?”

“I think we both know that we’re coming to an end. Dragging it out would only add to the pain.” He folded up his napkin.

“Can you tell me... Did I push you to start something that couldn’t work? Did you just go along with what I wanted? I... I’ve been told I’m too forward at times.”

He smiled sadly. “I don’t mind an assertive woman but I’m also comfortable telling people no. That’s not it. Don’t change who you are, Beth, if some people can’t handle your strength, that’s their problem. As for me... I may have given a bit too much on social conventions. Everyone was expecting me to look for a new love and eventually I figured they were probably right and I just needed to give it a go. And you are a wonderful person so that made it easy. I probably should have trusted my instincts that I wasn’t ready. And I’m truly sorry if you got hurt in the process.”

“It’s all right. I’m all right.” She gave a startled laugh. “It’s kind of nice to hear that the social pressure to be part of a pair doesn’t just hit women. And being with you wasn’t a hardship, even if I may have hoped for more. You’re not breaking my heart, so don’t go heaping more guilt on your shoulders.”

“I’ll try,” he said with a wry smile.

 


	10. Three Years, Nine Months

“Aaron, I’m glad you called. It‘s so good to hear your voice.”

_“Sorry I didn’t call earlier, Spencer. Things were... busy.”_

“That’s why I texted you in the first place. From what the grapevine is telling over here I didn’t think you needed me calling in at the first opportunity. How are you doing?”

There was a pause at the other end of the line that told Spencer that Aaron was likely shoving aside his impulse to just say ‘Fine’. They had made a promise to never lie to each other and had never gone back on it, separation or not. And Aaron knew he had little chance of getting anything past Spencer anyway.

 _“I’m holding up all right. Beyond that, I don’t know. So much has happened over the last few days and I had to keep functioning and handle things, I don’t think I’ve caught up with it on an emotional level.”_ Spencer could hear a wariness in Aaron’s voice that made him worry even more about the other man.

“You know I’m only a phone call away, day or night. I want you to call if you need someone to talk to, okay? Promise you won’t just brood over all this all by yourself?”

The tired chuckle was a somewhat encouraging response. _"Okay. I promise. You're cute when you're mother-henning."_

“I am not cute!” He didn’t even try to argue the mother henning because he knew very well that’s what he was doing. But Aaron Hotchner needed it from time to time or he’d never look after himself, always putting others first.

“Don let me read the reports that are available to the whole bureau. He knows I worry about you guys and didn’t want me limited to the tidbits and wild speculations in the media. He always tells me when your name pops up somewhere.”

 _“Do you have your big brother monitoring Bureau channels for me specifically? I’m sure I can find a few regulations against such behaviour.”_ There was lightness in the voice and Spencer was glad for it, even though Aaron was avoiding the personal question.

“Maybe I do. Maybe he stumbled upon it for some completely innocent reason related to his work. Who knows? It isn’t like Garcia doesn’t have my name flagged and would tell you immediately if something of any relevance happened to me.” She had actually asked him for his permission to do so. It settled her worries somewhat and he didn’t mind.

He could hear Aaron taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. _“We were only in New York because Sean called me about this drug that got his girlfriend killed. He really wanted to do the right thing but ended up implicated during the investigation. I can’t do all that much for him, not without bending the rules too far. I’m not sure if he expected me to.”_

“He got himself in trouble but you still feel guilty for not protecting him better.”

_“I don’t think I’ll ever stop being his big brother, no matter the state of our relationship or how much he screws up.”_

“I kinda like that about you. I also like that you wouldn’t just ignore the book because it’s your baby brother.”

_“A lot of people would say I’m too much of a stickler for the rules.”_

"And they would be the ones that don't know you. You can walk the line if the situation calls for it if there's nothing to gain for anyone by taking laws and regulations literally. You just actually understand their purpose and apply them to everyone, no matter who they are to you."

_“So, you think I’m doing the right thing?”_

“Sean is an adult. He needs to own up to his mistakes. Doesn’t mean you have to leave him hanging completely.”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a while but Spencer was perfectly happy to let Aaron work through things in his own time. Silence at least meant that Aaron wasn’t opting out of the conversation.

 _“I found Erin just in time or too late, depends on how you look at it.”_ The pain and sorrow in his voice were barely masked.

“I know that isn’t really comforting, but from what I read there was nothing that could have been done for her. Not after what she’d been given.”

 _"He made her drink alcohol first. She'd managed to get sober and turn her life around. I wasn't her biggest fan but she had become a lot more relaxed at work. I think we were on the way to working together quite well. She turned over a new leaf and in her last minutes, he pushed her back into her most difficult time. She died with that taste on her tongue, that personal demon that she had managed to leave behind."_ Spencer could hear Aaron swallow heavily but didn’t interrupt.

_“And all I could do was hold her and promise her that we knew better, that it wasn’t her fault, that nobody would think badly of her, that we’d tell her children. She was so worried about them, that they might think she hadn’t cared enough to stay sober. And everything I said felt so inadequate. But there was nothing I could do.”_

"Yes, there was. And you did it. You made sure she wasn't alone. You alleviated her worries as best as you could and gave her what little peace was to be had given the circumstances. I know it feels little, but I'm sure it made a difference." Spencer hesitated about his next question but he felt it needed to be asked and it was entirely likely nobody else would. "It must have dragged up some difficult feelings for you. You doing okay?"

He had to wait a few seconds for an answer. _“No. But I... I don’t think I can talk about that, Spencer, so please-“_

“It’s all right,” he interrupted. “I just wanted to acknowledge how this is difficult for you, too, remind you that you have every right to feel shitty yourself. You play strong and untouchable so well that even the team sometimes forgets the baggage you carry.”

 _“And coming back to DC it was just one thing after the other, worry and keep moving. I feel like I haven’t sat down in ages. Curtis going after Blake... I don’t know what I would have done if the sorry bastard had gotten her, too.”_ The words were pouring out of Aaron at this point, at least part of the purge that Spencer knew he needed.

_"When that helicopter went down I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was so relieved when we found everyone alive and then Alex was missing. In that moment I really wanted to get my hands on Curtis and throttle the living daylight out of him. Nothing about this mess was her fault in the first place."_

“Did Rossi blowing him up provide you with a satisfactory resolution to your feelings?”

That got him a snort in response. _“Yes. That was a pretty nice fireball all things considered.”_

“Sooo...” Spencer lingered on the word, not sure how his next point would be taken.

_“So what? You’ve never been shy with words, not around me.”_

“Well, I was thinking... It sounds as if you need a few days to recharge and clear your head. All of you to be honest, but you maybe a little more.” He could hear a long breath being let out.

_“The team certainly deserves a breather after all this stress, but there’s also the question of a new section chief to settle and for once I don’t even want to think about the mountain of paperwork this whole mess has generated.”_

“You don’t have to think about that right now, you’re off work. And maybe after the dust has settled you can get the team a few days off. You could make a more pleasant trip to New York and spend some time with Beth.” Not that Spencer wouldn’t prefer to be the one to comfort Aaron but that was out of the question right now.

_“No, Beth and I, we... it didn’t work out.”_

“I’m sorry to hear that. You seemed to like her and she made you smile.”

_“You haven’t seen me with her so how would you possibly know that?”_

“I could hear the smile in your voice when you talked about her. You need people to get through your seriousness sometimes. Was it the long distance?”

_“No. Maybe partly. The moment she told me about the job offer and asked my opinion I knew I didn’t want to put in the effort to make it last. It just wasn’t what I really wanted. And I don’t think I could ever be what she wanted. And I don’t believe in settling.”_

“You can be such a romantic,” Spencer said with fond teasing.

_“Maybe.”_

“I wish there was someone to be there for you right now,” Spencer said quietly.

_“Yes, well, things are as they are. Thanks for the call, Spencer. It really helped.”_

“Anytime, Aaron. Take care.”

 


	11. Five Years

Aaron listened to Spencer’s lecture about biases in statistical data and their influence on criminal investigations. Out of everyone in the packed main lecture hall of the conference centre he had without a doubt the most experience listening to Reid lectures. It didn’t mean he was any less in awe.

Spencer’s appearance today and his Q&A session tomorrow were two of the most eager expected items on the itinerary. After some initial scepticism, he had established his department as _the_ address for incorporating the hard sciences into various fields of civil and even uniformed services over the last five years. That was even more impressive considering that his research didn’t always support the line of the public institutions they pertained to.

Knowing Spencer’s integrity and his lack of tolerance for bullshit, Aaron had hardly been surprised when his research had supported some theories law enforcement and public administration would rather bury in a very dusty drawer. The latter had earned him the respect of the science community, while the alphabet soup couldn’t find it in themselves to be truly mad, seeing as the graduates from his program were highly qualified and had a keen eye for the practicability of methods and results.

He wasn’t sure he deserved it, but seeing Spencer on that stage - confident and brilliant as ever, explaining connections to a mixed audience and having their rapt attention, no matter which side of the equation they belonged to - made Aaron a little proud.

Spencer had grown so much from the awkward and shy geek he’d been when he joined the BAU. A lot of that had been Spencer’s own ability to adapt, and life and their job had thrown struggles his way that had inevitably changed him. In addition, the whole team had adopted him and drawn him out of his corner of comfort. Aaron had only had a small part in all of this, but of that small part, he was proud.

The lecture came to an end with enthusiastic applause and when Spencer had packed up his few things he found a not so small group of members of the audience waiting for him at the few steps leading down from the stage. Rather than hesitating he calmly made his way through the group, giving them a polite brush off, and avoiding handshakes without offending anyone - he simply played at not noticing the outstretched hands in the jumble.

His stride was purposeful but not hurried and brought him straight towards Aaron waiting at the doors. “Dinner? I’m starving.”

“Did you forget to eat lunch again?” Aaron chuckled.

Spencer looked a little sheepish. “Maybe?”

Aaron could only laugh, the reaction being so much like his old Spencer that it was a comforting balance to the more confident persona he’d displayed earlier. He guided the younger man towards an exit and used the opportunity of holding the door for him to look back at the thwarted ambushers. He rather enjoyed their miffed expressions.

They ended up in an Indian restaurant only a block away from the conference centre so it wasn’t all that surprising that other participants were having dinner there as well.

Their appetiser plates had just been cleared off when Spencer leaned forward and asked in a low voice, “Why do all these people keep looking at us?”

Aaron was a little surprised and then again he thought he shouldn’t. “Spencer, you’re the rising star in this field and one of the main attractions of this conference. I’m just a boring mid-level government employee, but somehow I ended up having all your attention for the evening to myself. I’d wager there’s quite a bit of envy directed my way.”

Spencer blushed and Aaron still found it incredibly endearing. “People are ridiculous.”

Aaron was saved from having to reply to that by the main course being served.

They talked mostly about topics related to their work and Aaron was a little relieved to see the familiar handwaving, that had been noticeably less present during the public lecture, was still there.

The conversation turned to more personal matters over coffee and dessert and Aaron knew and feared that it would include a question he rather wouldn’t talk about.

“So... anyone new catch your interest lately?” Spencer asked, seemingly very focused on folding an empty sugar pack.

Aaron finished his spoon of mango sorbet to buy some time. “No. And I don’t really see myself looking in the foreseeable future either.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right when I met Beth, but I let myself be prodded and dragged into it and not that I regret my time with her, it was just never what it was supposed to be. And I’m tired of doing things by half.”

“So being alone is easier? You don’t even want to try and find someone you’d be happy with?”

Aaron sighed. “I don’t feel lonely if that’s what you’re worried about. Allowing people close is much more daunting. Maybe it’s the job, maybe it’s my personal past, either way, it’s always taking me some time to grow accustomed to new people and most seem to run out of patience before that happens. So it’s either setting aside my own discomfort to keep somebody around I’m not even sure I’m really interested in at that point or simply not dating. And I don’t see how it could be worth the hassle.” He shook his head in amusement. “And this must be one of the most ridiculous conversations one could have with a former lover.”

That made Spencer laugh as well. “Wait ‘till I tell Morgan and Rossi or even worse Garcia that you consider dating a hassle. They are going to descend on you like you are the hapless victim of a reality TV show.”

“What did I ever do to you to deserve such betrayal?! More importantly, can I bribe you with coffee?” They were both laughing at this point and Aaron had to admit that it had probably been too long since he’d been this relaxed.

“And you are one to talk,” he continued after saving the last of his sorbet from melting. “You’ve taken a rather save option, very casually dating the same guy for what, four years? And with another FBI agent, you know at the very least his background checks out.”

He just smiled at the stunned surprise on Spencer’s face. “Did you really think the rumour mill wouldn’t eventually catch on to you two? I had to almost restrain Morgan or he would have gone after Edgerton in defence of your honour. I was tempted to let him get himself in trouble, would have loved to hear you chew him out, but the risk of Edgerton kicking his arse right out of field work for months seemed a little too high.”

“Wow. I guess after all this time I hadn’t thought it would still happen. What’s the reaction? I mean, no matter the laws, being gay in law enforcement still isn’t the best idea.”

“Nobody in their right mind would dare mess with Ian Edgerton, you have nothing to worry about. From what I heard he’s acting like it is an absolute non-topic,” Aaron tried to reassure Spencer.

“But you just said that Morgan wanted to go after him!”

“Yes, and we both know that Derek for all his qualities can be a little hot-headed, especially when he feels he needs to defend someone in his family. He would have regretted it dearly.”

Spencer let this new information settle for a minute. “And what do you think about this?”

“I know you well enough to trust that he’s treating you right or you’d have kicked him to the curb ages ago.” Spencer’s shoulders relaxed somewhat hearing that. “Admittedly, I don’t understand a relationship where you see each other so little, it doesn’t seem to fit what I thought you wanted, but that’s none of my business. You sound happy enough whenever you mention your lover on occasion and that’s all I ever wanted for you, to be happy.”

“Yes, well,” Spencer still seemed a little flustered by these revelations. “It’s not really a relationship, we’re not even properly dating.” He sat up straighter and looked Aaron directly in the eyes. “I am merely fucking one of the deadliest men in our government’s employ. Funny you would call that a save option.”

Aaron stared across the table for a moment absolutely dumbfounded. Then he burst out laughing, not caring about the other patrons looking their direction. “Oh god, Spencer!” he eventually brought out. “California has been good for you.”

“You think so?” And there it was again, the slight traces of insecurity and sheepishness, elements of the Spencer he knew in this more mature and confident version.

“Yeah, absolutely.”

When they walked towards their respective hotels, Spencer having splurged on something a little nicer than the bureau would pay for Aaron, he couldn’t help asking, “And is this not-relationship what you really want?”

Spencer shrugged. “For the rest of my life? No. But for now, it’s working for both of us. I enjoy sex and Ian is a good lover. We’re friends outside of the bedroom, it isn’t like I can’t have a conversation over dinner with him, but there are just no romantic feelings between us. It’s fun for both of us and eventually, it will come to an end and neither of us will be hurt over it.”

“I don’t think I can understand that at all. I respect it, I don’t judge you,” he hastened to assure Spencer. “I just can’t imagine anything like it.”

They said their goodnights in front of Spencer’s hotel and Aaron walked the additional block to his own, wondering if maybe Spencer had outgrown him and his narrow little world by leaps and bounds.

 


	12. Five Years, Five Months

After the funeral and the obligatory round of drinks to an old friend, Spencer had come home with him. They hadn’t even talked about it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Both reeling from the loss of a mentor.

Aaron had asked Jessica to keep Jack for the night and so they walked into a too quiet apartment and Aaron didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Coffee?”

“Please.”

He took his time putting a tray together in the kitchen and when he came out Spencer was sitting on his couch, jacket thrown carelessly onto the armchair, with the spy novel he’d left on the coffee table in the morning, reading relatively slowly.

When Aaron set the tray on the table, Spencer shut the book and pushed it back on the table. “Sorry. I saw it there and couldn’t resist. I guess I needed something familiar.”

“That book came out only last month. How can it be familiar?” He draped his own jacket over one of the chairs at the dinner table and took off his tie as well, then settled in beside Spencer who was doctoring his coffee. “Don’t tell me you’ve started reading spy novels to relax.”

“No, just... this genre is so you. I used to read whichever book you left at my place during the nights when I missed you.” He ducked his head and inhaled the scent of the coffee. “Books will always be a source of comfort for me, in one way or another.”

“I didn’t know that, that you read my novels when I wasn’t there. You never said.”

“Sorry?”

“What for? It’s fine, it’s not like they were my innermost thoughts. We all know how much a person’s books can tell you about them. You just read more than the spines.”

They both sipped from their mugs, each lost in their own thoughts.

“It’s weird,” Spencer eventually broke the silence. “He’s been gone so long and I’ve been so disappointed and angry at times. There’s only been the occasional letter over the last few years but it still feels like a gaping wound, like something very vital has been ripped away. I’m not sure that makes sense.”

“Emotions don’t have to make sense. They are valid because they are there. And I know what you mean. Even though we had vastly different styles, I sometimes ask myself what he would do, almost asking him for advice. He’s no less present in those moments now than he was a month ago, but I’m not sure I can still do that.”

“I think I’ll miss him. I mean, I already missed him, but now I’ll miss him differently.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“We’ll never get to finish our chess game. I think I was winning.”

Aaron chuckled over that. Another familiar memory to cherish.

When the coffee was mostly gone, Spencer said, “I made it almost to where you left off. You haven’t gotten very far yet.”

“It’s been a busy few weeks, I’ve been too tired to read most evenings. You wanna catch up?”

Spencer exchanged his mug for the book and Aaron had barely time to finish his own coffee before the page with his bookmark was presented to him. “Read to me?”

As if that hadn’t been part of the offer.

Not two pages later Spencer hesitantly leaned against Aaron’s side and slumped fully into him when Aaron looped an arm around his shoulders. They got comfortable with Aaron’s feet outstretched on the coffee table and Spencer’s long legs curled up on the rather short couch.

Aaron was still reading when he was certain Spencer had long fallen asleep and he had no idea when his own tiredness dragged him under as well.

 


	13. Six And A Half Years

The team was bouncing ideas around on the flight to LA but they weren’t getting very far with the weird mix of elements to this UnSubs MO. Even with the exceptionally good crime scene documentation and victims backgrounds, there was sometimes no replacement for being on location and taking it all in. That’s why the BAU had a jet at their disposal in the first place.

Not really knowing where to go with the profile, the flight all across the country offered them enough time for some personal thoughts.

“LA hasn’t called us in for any case since Reid moved there. The sheer fact that they’re asking for our help with this one has me on edge.” Morgan’s eyes were shadowed with apprehension.

“You mean Prof. Spencer Reid? One of the geniuses working with Agent Eppes’ team?” Lewis asked. “He used to be a member of this team, didn’t he?”

“Yes. Spence left the BAU mostly due to health issues and some personal reasons,” JJ explained.

“I’ve been a fan of his work for a long time. I read all his papers, even those in fields I know nothing about. I find it fascinating how he expresses his thoughts in writing. It’ll be great meeting him and getting a chance to work with him.”

“Oh please, let me be present when you tell him all that,” Rossi pleaded with a glint in his eye, only confusing Lewis.

“Don’t be mean, Dave,” Aaron chastised. “You really should have gotten over that by now.” At the questioning look from Lewis, he added, “Reid was rather excited when Dave joined the team. He had read all his books and blurted that out the moment they got introduced.”

“Yeah,” Morgan pitched in with amusement. “Suave Mr Rossi here was completely overwhelmed by the exuberance of pretty boy in the pursuit of more knowledge. Good thing he only met Garcia a little later.” The memory amused them all, even Blake who hadn’t been there could imagine it all too well, having known Spencer for a long time.

Rossi added to the lightened mood by playing up his indignation. “Yeah, yeah, never mind me. I’m always glad to contribute to everyone’s amusement. But talking about Reid, I missed his profile in the file sent to us. Don’t tell me he didn’t do one.”

All eyes turned towards Hotch. “He did one. Three to be precise. But he felt they all turned out to be dead ends and so he stripped all his conclusions out. He sent them to me in a separate file and I read through them all. The idea is to have us take a fresh look at this case with as little influence from the already done investigation as possible.”

“It makes sense,” Blake agreed. “If the case was even close to being straight forward, Spencer could provide more than sufficient assistance to Agent Eppes’ team. We can’t afford to go into this with any sort of blinders.”

It shouldn’t need saying but was probably a good reminder.

They arrived at the LA field office around lunch time and were greeted by Don Eppes who showed them into one of the glass-walled conference rooms to get set up.

“I’m glad to have you all here to hopefully get us closer to catching this guy. This one has all of us reeling.”

“We’re always happy to help,” Aaron assured him. “We’d like to split up to take a look at the crime scenes and talk to the ME. Could some of your agents accompany my people? Especially on the dumping sites, it would be helpful to have someone along who has seen it as it was discovered.”

Around them, the team was setting up laptops and their case boards.

“Yes of course. Whenever you’re ready, Granger and Sinclair will take you. They’ve both been to all the scenes when they were fresh.” He ran a hand through his hair. “We’re continuing to go through the victims’ backgrounds, hoping to find any snippet of a connecting factor, so I’ll be over there if there’s anything you need.” He pointed roughly in the direction of their set of desks.

“Actually,” Morgan chimed in, “I was wondering where your two geniuses are, Reid especially. I was selfishly looking forward to having him work a case with us again and am a little surprised he’s nowhere to be seen.”

Don slumped against the conference table and let his eyes linger on the smaller glass cubicle where board after board was scribbled with numbers, formulas and graphs. “The timing of this case is shitty, to be frank. It’s finals week and Charlie and Spence would have plenty to do with just performing their academic duties. On top of that, the DoD moved the deadline for a big study Spencer is doing for them forward to the end of this month when it was supposed to be the end of next month. I don’t know what it’s about but it must be important and urgent or Spence would have told them to get lost.

“And then this case comes along on top of it all and I had barely mentioned at dinner what I thought I had caught there and they were both jumping into theories and discussions. There is absolute no stopping those two. They’re as stubborn as they’re brilliant.”

Rossi chuckled. “Tell us about it. And we had only one.”

“Anyway, they are hopefully at CalTech, focusing on their students and not running their minds ragged. I had to drag them both out of here sometime after midnight for the last three nights. I’ve threatened Spence to take his keys away and have him stay in the guest room at our house so he’d promise me to go to bed instead of keep working. Handling geniuses is its own brand of exhausting. There’ll be back here sooner than I would like, at least from the brotherly point of view.”

The little tale of Spencer’s current workload had Aaron slightly worried. One of the points of moving to LA had been to reduce stress. This didn’t sound at all like less stress. But there was nothing he could do about it at this point. He was here to find an UnSub and that would take at least one of the problems off Spencer’s shoulders. Everything else was not his to worry about. Hadn’t been in a long time.

The team split up to get their own impressions of what they were dealing with and thanks to LA traffic and the spread out dumpsites it was evening before they reconvened at the office.

When the elevator doors opened in front of Aaron he immediately noticed the three people in what he had privately dubbed the maths room. A beautiful woman with long dark hair was writing something on one of the boards, talking over her shoulder to her two companions. One was sitting backwards on a chair pointing and gesturing at some other part of the multiple equations. Aaron could see enough of his profile to recognise Charles Eppes.

But it was the third figure that really drew his eyes. Spencer was leaning against one of the glass walls, focused on the discussion in front of him. And nobody better ask Aaron in this moment what he was thinking because the only word drifting through his mind was ‘gorgeous’.

The grey slacks were tailored in all the right places and the purple waistcoat both looked sophisticated and accentuated his lean form in the best possible way. The white shirt had some small print on it that he couldn’t quite make out yet, but he had a feeling that it matched Spencer’s quirky personality. 

And he was wearing his glasses. Aaron had always been partial to Spencer with his glasses on, but the younger man had considered them a hindrance while on the team, so he’d gotten mostly out of the habit of wearing them. More’s the pity.

He had drifted over towards the three without really noticing and found himself standing in the open doorway. He didn’t understand most of what the young woman was saying about various margins of accuracy when combining certain approaches to the data of their case. He trusted Spencer would explain the important parts to him if her theory proved to have merit.

“Hello, Aaron.” The friendly greeting shook him out of his thoughts.

“Hello, Spencer. You look good.” The second one just slipped out, but he didn’t regret it. It was true. While he was less relaxed than Aaron had often seen him over the last few years, he didn’t look as exhausted as Don Eppes’ recount of his current to-do list suggested. It seemed he had found a healthier work-life balance, even if it required some help from his family every now and then.

“So do you. You’ve met Charlie when you and Jack came to visit the last time,” Charlie had gotten up and the men shook hands with a friendly nod, “but I believe you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting his fiancée, Prof. Amita Ramanujan.”

Aaron let his upbringing as a southern gentleman shine through as he greeted her and was pleased to see that it was still doing its job when she blushed a little.

“Oh don’t you start,” Spencer playfully complained and slapped his shoulder. “Got any ideas on the profile yet?”

“Mostly a bunch of inconsistencies from where I stand, but you know that already. I’m going to let the others brainstorm ideas and encourage them to go a bit wild. Dismissing the unlikely to early on would be detrimental in this case. I’m afraid this will take a while. Do you want to join us?”

“Not right now. I’ve turned everything over too often already. I convinced Don to call you in because this case needs fresh eyes, not me rehashing what isn’t working. And Don is right that my mental resources are stretched a little thin. But don’t tell him I said that.”

That made Aaron and Charlie chuckle, whereas Amita outright laughed. 

“Okay. But you know you’re always welcome. See you later.”

 

* * *

 

 

It took them almost two weeks and sadly three more victims to identify and catch their UnSub.

Two weeks in which Aaron watched the easy camaraderie Spencer had with Don’s team. The close relationship between the three brothers - blood or no blood-relation - despite a lot of teasing and one full blown argument. 

He also saw the relaxed confidence and obvious joy Spencer had when teaching. With the case not really going anywhere at the beginning of week two, Spencer and Charlie had spent more time at CalTech, keeping up with what were actually their jobs. Aaron had felt like his mind was reaching a shut-off point where their UnSub was concerned and had snuck into a summer lecture Spencer was giving.

It was designed for a broader public rather than the students of a specific department and he actually could follow along for the most part. Maybe it was just a sign of how much he’d picked up over the years from Spencer’s little rambles.

The content of the lecture provided a nice distraction for his mind but the real eye-opener had been the lecturer himself. Spencer had been very much Professor Dr Reid, secure in his position and competence. You could have almost believed he was playing a role - which Aaron knew him to be entirely capable off, he’d fooled people on a much more elaborate level - if there hadn’t been a number of very Spenceresque quirks in his mannerisms and the way he spoke.

No, what Aaron had seen that day in the lecture hall had been a Spencer who had found his place and his centre. And while Aaron liked to think that the young man at the lectern was a better-rounded personality and had grown further for being exposed to the world outside a campus, maybe, just maybe, Gideon should have never lured him away from here.

Now, with their killer caught and awaiting trial, they had all gone out to a club together, both FBI teams and the self-proclaimed geek squad. The jet had been sent off for another team so they wouldn’t be picked up for their flight home until midday tomorrow. Perfect conditions for a night out, celebrating their success.

Aaron wasn‘t in a very celebratory mood, however, though he was doing his very best not to let the others notice.

“So what has got you down?” Dave asked sitting down on the chair to his left. He should have known that he couldn’t hide from one of his oldest friends. “We caught our UnSub, are out with friends, the music and the drinks are good... even Reid is dancing and letting loose. So what are you brooding about?”

“Sorry, it’s probably stupid.” He took a sip of his scotch, hoping against his better knowledge that Dave might let it go.

“If it bothers you it isn’t stupid. So the question is, do you want to talk about it.”

He swirled the amber liquid in his glass, contemplating just that. Did he want to talk about it? Did he even have words to express what he was feeling? “Not really. But as that won’t lead to you letting it go, what I think it comes down to is that I was contemplating something for my future and now I’m no longer sure if it’s the right choice.“

“Now that sounds ominous. And clears up absolutely nothing.”

“Which is pretty much how I feel right now, so I’m afraid I’ll have to brood about it some more.”

“You know that my door is always open if you need to talk, right?”

Aaron looked up into Dave’s concerned face. “Yes, I know. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Their attention was drawn to the other side of the table when Spencer plopped down into a seat and poured himself a glass of water. “Morgan, for the last time: I’m fine, happy even. It’s no issue so stop borrowing problems where there are none.”

Derek took the seat next to Reid and obviously wasn’t done with the conversation. “I just don’t get it. From all I heard, you and Edgerton were together for years. And now he’s engaged all of a sudden, to a music teacher none the less. I’m just worried that you’re not dealing with that properly.”

Spencer downed half of his water in one go and Aaron had a feeling this might get interesting. He had heard about the engagement as well and while he was curious about Spencer’s perspective, he hadn’t brought it up. He wasn’t all that sure he could pull off casual in that conversation.

“Okay Derek, let me spell it out for you,” Spencer said in his annoyed explanation voice, “Ian and I were never together. We are friends and before he met Salim we engaged in some very satisfying recreational sex with one another. That’s. It.” He drank some more of his water and obviously enjoyed the stunned look of disbelieve on Derek’s face.

Aaron heard Dave chuckle beside him but preferred to keep watching.

“Oh come on, Derek,“ Spencer went on, “when will you ever let me out of that clueless delicate flower corner you shoved me in? I don’t think I’ve ever been that way.”

“Nope, you definitely haven’t, not as long as I’ve known you,” Don said, taking the seat beside Rossi and pushing a beer towards Spencer who took it with a nod.

JJ also found a chair and was apparently all on board with teasing Derek. “So what’s it like, having recreational sex with Agent Ian Sexy Sniper Edgerton? I feel like you’ve been holding out on me. Besties share this kind of thing, you know.”

“I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to have that kind of conversation with a married mother of two. I’d be happy to share.”

“Could you please not have that discussion here and now? Please?” Derek was holding up a hand and looked a little pale around the nose. “I get it, okay! You had fun. You aren’t heartbroken. I should just keep my nose out of things not my business.”

“Did I finally get that through your thick skull? Also, you better not talk of Salim this disrespectfully where Ian can hear you or it might get ugly.”

“What did he say?” Blake asked this time.

“He called Salim a music teacher.”

“That doesn’t sound particularly disrespectful.”

“If you’re talking about a world renowned cellist, who sacrifices some of his time as an instructor at UDC, then yes it is.” There was a lot of upset in Spencer’s voice as he defended Edgerton’s fiancé.

JJ slapped Derek lightly against the arm. “That really wasn’t nice. Your mom raised you better than that.”

“I’m sorry! Okay, I get it. I just thought he had replaced Reid with this guy like it was nothing and I got a bit defensive. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“Salim is in no way a replacement for me. He is so much more than I ever was or could be to Ian. He’s a brilliant guy with the darkest and driest sense of humour I have ever encountered. But most importantly he is so very in love with Ian and vice versa it is the most wonderful thing to see.”

While Aaron had no doubt that Spencer meant every word he said, he also sounded a little wistful.

And Aaron had no idea what to make of that.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been five weeks since the case in LA and Aaron was still going back and forth on what he felt and thought about the new and improved Spencer.

One thing had been abundantly clear, he still loved his genius like the day they broke up and the feeling hadn’t left him during all the time apart. It had been easier to set aside at certain times, but it had never gone away.

But it wasn’t just about him.

Spencer seemed perfectly happy with his life as it was. Did Aaron have the right to barge into that and disrupt his peace and balance because he wanted him back? Was that selfish? Was love allowed to be like that sometimes? There had to be a balance somewhere.

Maybe he could just wait for The Day - that had somehow acquired capital letters in his mind - and see what happened. Let Spencer come to him or, if he didn’t, let it go.

But what if Spencer thought the same thing? What if Spencer felt like the ball was in Aaron’s court because he still had more to loose? It would be the height of a cosmic joke if they both wanted to get back together and each held back as to not put pressure on the other. He had no idea how to get out of that dilemma.

Though that evening in the club it had sounded like there was at least something that Spencer was missing in his life, a little empty spot to be filled. Was it too much to hope that he would fit into that spot? That it was meant for him?

In the end, it still came down to the question of how they could make it work. Aaron didn’t want to uproot Spencer from the home and life he had built in California, the younger man deserved to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work he put into that. But was Aaron himself ready and willing to leave the BAU? To move west and start over? To uproot Jack and take him away from Jessica?

Even more selfishness to balance.

He ran his hand down his face and went back to his never ending pile of paperwork that wouldn’t leave him alone even on a Saturday morning.

It was roughly two hours and two dozens files later that the mail was delivered, including a thick, padded envelope. He was curious but finished reading and signing off on the current report before he opened it.

The first thing that slipped out was a postcard with the stereotypical Bond silhouette on the front and Spencer’s familiar penmanship on the back. 

_I got a flyer about this panel discussion on the interaction between technological advances and the gadgets in spy and sci-fi literature and movies. When I read the name of your new favourite author on the guest list, I, of course, had to go and it was very interesting. Hope you don’t already have the new book, either way, this one is special._

Aaron pulled the book out of the envelope. It had only been released two weeks ago and he hadn’t gotten around to buying it, yet. Following Spencer’s hint, he opened it to the title page and found not just a signature, but a personal dedication.

_For Hotch, a real special agent who’s best secret gadget is his glare. Many thanks for your service._

He had to chuckle and it did indeed make the book very special to him. Not just because of the author’s words, but also because they were so obviously laced with Spencer’s sense of humour.

A piece of paper slipped out from behind the title page and he picked it up to find more of Spencer’s writing.

_The book looks a little worn because I read it the night before the panel. I imagined it in your voice. Made me miss you._

_Love, Spencer_

Those few words let warmth bloom deep inside him and fill all the doubtful little corners of his mind and heart. It must have made him smile and rather unaware of his surroundings because he was startled and his look drawn up from the message by Dave’s voice.

“Whatever or whoever is causing that smile, go for it.”

“Dave! I didn’t hear you. What are you doing here?”

“Had an idea about a consult and wanted to look something up.” He stepped into the office and took a seat in front of Aaron’s desk. “I know you’ve been pondering over something for some time, even more so since we were in LA. I’m trying to respect that you do not want to talk about it, though I have my suspicions. But I’m tired of seeing you unhappy, barely content with your life and so I’m giving you some unsolicited advice.

“Go for it. Whatever is on that piece of paper that makes you smile like that, you should grab it with both hands and never let go again. We both know how difficult happiness is to come by and how easily and quickly it can be lost. Yes, our work is important and worth some sacrifices, but I don’t think it has been as satisfying for you lately as it used to be. Maybe it’s time to start a new chapter and think more about yourself.”

Aaron let that sink in for a moment. It was more or less what he had been brooding over a few hours ago. “I want to be selfish about this, I honestly do.” It was surprising how easy and freeing those words were.

“But?”

“Two buts that are in the way. You’re right that I’m less inclined to make personal sacrifices for this job than I used to be, but I’m not sure I’m at the point where I can just walk away from it. The more important factor is Jack. Embracing this,” he gestured to the book and messages on his desk, “would mean packing Jack up and moving him away from his school, his friends and most importantly Jessica. Can I just go and do that, considering everything he’s already dealt with?”

“Have you asked him about it?”

“What?” The question caught Aaron completely unprepared.

“Have you asked Jack what he thinks about all this? Your son is no longer a little kid, but almost a teenager and a very clever and understanding one at that. I’m not saying you should let him make decisions for you, but if you’re trying to factor in his feelings on the matter, you should ask him what those feelings even are. It might be less of an issue than you think.”

Aaron felt a little stupid. He was probably too used to having to make the decisions, but Dave was right. “Thanks, I’ll do that. I’m not making any promises about the outcome, though.”

“I hadn’t expected you to,” Dave said getting up. He turned back when he reached the door. “Love is a wonderful and rare thing, Aaron. You deserve to have it.” With that parting remark, he headed to his own office, leaving behind a yet again smiling Aaron who had new outlooks to factor into his musings.

 


	14. The Beginning - Seven Years (And A Day)

Spencer stepped out of the FBI building and blinked into the morning sun. He felt like he had been inside the offices for three days without a break. Maybe because he had.

When Don had sent him home for a shower and fresh clothes after the first night, he had packed a go-bag - just like old times - and used the showers in the gym. They had finally figured out how the blackmailer’s virus moved through the systems and had been able to both stop it and backtrace it to its point of origin.

What they hadn’t been able to predict was his suicidal streak and his hobby of experimenting with combustibles. It was pure luck that there were only minor injuries among the agents who had gone to make the arrest.

Charlie, Amita, even Larry - they had all waited for their friends to come back and for Don to declare the threat contained and that reports could wait. That had earned a short and tired round of cheers with everyone heading out minutes later. None of them had slept much in the last three days.

Three days.

“Oh damn it! No!” Spencer closed his eyes and let his head fall back.

“What’s wrong? Please tell me it has nothing to do with the case! I want quality time with my tub and my bed,” Nikki groaned.

Don looked more concerned about Spencer than the case. “Whatever it is, if Spence is cursing, it’s pretty bad.”

“I missed it.” And maybe he sounded pathetic in that moment but he really didn’t care. He felt too miserable to care.

“You missed what, Spencer?” Amita asked carefully. Over the years she had gotten to know her de facto brother-in-law rather well, often sharing the fun of annoying Charlie by loudly commiserating over men. It didn’t need a profiler to see Spencer was truly upset.

“I missed The Day.”

“Which day?”

“ _The. Day._ ”

“Oh, no.” Charlie was the first to catch on. “It’s been seven years.”

“Yes.” Spencer slumped down on the edge of a big planter. “Yesterday.”

“I don’t get it. What’s been seven years and what is so tragic about it?” Nikki asked puzzled.

Don let out a deep breath and set down beside Spencer. “Seven years ago, Spencer broke up with someone, even though they were still in love. Let’s just call it bad timing. They took a page out of Hollywood and agreed to see if seven years later, they were both still interested and if so, to give it another go.”

“And yesterday was the seven-year mark.” Colby voiced the understanding that spread through the group.

“And I didn’t even call. Not even a bloody text! I could have noticed the date to at least sent a stupid text message. Anything! I’ve blown it.”

“Don’t you think that if he still has that kind of feelings for you, one day won’t matter?” Nikki asked encouragingly.

“Yeah, and your deal went both ways, right?” David piped in. “Have you heard anything from him?”

Spencer hurriedly dug his cell phone out of his bag but the sliver of hope vanished from his eyes again. “Nothing. I guess that’s my answer.” 

Spencer felt his world crumble down inside of him. There had never been any doubt for him that he wanted Aaron back, in absolutely every way. He hadn’t really allowed himself to doubt that Aaron would want the same and that there would be a solution to all the little stumbling blocks, that life would play along the second time around.

He was so lost in his feeling of emptiness that he didn’t register Larry’s voice calling out his name from the edge of the walkway until Don gave his shoulder a squeeze.

“Spencer! Would the someone we are talking about by any chance be one Special Agent Aaron Hotchner?”

“Yes, how do you know that?” Spencer was confused because while he did tell his family what had happened around him leaving the FBI, he hadn’t told anybody else.

“Just an educated guess based on the fact that he is standing down there in decidedly informal clothes.”

Spencer was up in a flash and firmly collided with the bannister to look down to the street level.

There he really was.

And not Agent Hotchner in suit and tie, possibly here on official business.

Spencer was dashing down the next set of stairs before he had fully taken in the picture of Aaron, his Aaron. Once he had reached the ground level and caught sight of him again he decided that this was even better than the Aaron he remembered from their time together.

He seemed more relaxed and open than Spencer could ever remember seeing him.

He was wearing snug fitting jeans and a loose white shirt, the top buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up. As Spencer approached, he took off his sunglasses and smiled. And he was leaning casually against... was that a motorcycle?

“Please tell me you didn’t buy a Harley.”

“I did not buy a Harley.”

Spencer eyed him sceptically but decided to set that aside. “Hi.”

“Hi, yourself. Solved your case?”

“Yes. How did you know?”

“I came here yesterday but when I was told you were in the middle of a tricky investigation I didn’t want to interrupt. Someone did me a favour and called when things drew to a close this morning.”

“You were here yesterday.” Spencer wasn’t quite ready to allow the relief to take over.

“Of course I was. Seven years. We promised.”

“And I forgot. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I forgot the day.”

“Hey, you didn’t. There’s a difference between forgetting the importance of a date and not noticing the date because you are caught up in more urgent things. It’s fine.” Aaron reached out and ran his hands up and done Spencer’s arms calming him down. He hadn’t felt it in years but it was instantly familiar and comforting.

“So... you came here. The whole 2,285 miles.”

Aaron furrowed his brow. “That’s not the official flying distance.”

“No, that’s door to door from Quantico to here as the crow flies. I can give you the distance from your apartment as well if you prefer.”

There weren’t many who were treated to the proper Hotchner smile, twinkling eyes included, but apparently, Spencer just earned himself one. “I missed you.”

“You did?” The balloon of hope he felt swelling inside him was more and more difficult to hold back.

“Would I have come all 2,285 miles on this particular date for anything less?” He let his hands slip down to Spencer’s and slightly tugged him closer. “I missed you. And I want this second chance. I want us back. If that is what you want, that is.”

“Yes.” It was only a whisper, but they were so close by now that Aaron had no problem hearing him.

Familiar strong arms looped around his waist and Spencer fell into them, holding on to Aaron’s shoulders while his lips found the long missed pair that was finally, finally close again. The kiss was warm, tender, perfect. A promise of more to come and endless time.

Somewhere in the background there was cheering and clapping and whistling, but he wouldn’t have cared if the building came down behind him. Because this was everything.

Until his stomach growled and made them break apart laughing.

“How about I take you to breakfast?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been up all night, I think I need some food. And coffee, definitely coffee. I’m so exhausted.”

“Then you need sleep, not caffeine.” Aaron booped his nose, making him scrunch up his face.

“I know and I will sleep. But I need to stay awake a little longer and enjoy you, lest I think you were just a hallucination.”

“I think I can allow that. Here.” Aaron reached behind the motorcycle and pushed a helmet into Spencer’s hands, putting on his own.

“You said you didn’t buy a Harley.”

“I didn’t.” He swung his leg over the machine and kick started the engine. “I rented a Harley. Come on!”

It was probably a sign of just how exhausted and overwhelmed he was that it took Spencer various seconds to shake himself into action. Once settled behind Aaron with his arms tightly holding on to the man, he figured he could get used to this mode of transportation.

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up at one of Spencer’s favourite spots for coffee and pastries in a hidden corner at the waterside.

Spencer had ordered for both of them without even asking Aaron what he’d like but there hadn’t been any protest. Now they were seated on a low stone wall with the paper bag of goodies between them and he was inhaling the sweet smell of caffeine just waiting for the brew to reach a drinkable temperature.

Aaron was breaking pieces out of his walnut muffin and enjoying the view.

“Sooo, what’s with the motorcycle?” It was as good a place as any to start this conversation. What Spencer hadn’t quite expected was for Aaron to look down and blush.

“Just... felt appropriate in a way.”

“Okay. I’m not sure I can follow, but okay.”

Aaron swallowed the next bite of muffin before he answered. “You know, the whole, middle-aged man, slightly unhappy, rethinking his life’s choices, quitting his job and moving across the country in hopes of being with his much younger lover. Cliché demands either a sporty car or a motorcycle, and a classic Harley definitely had more appeal.”

Spencer could only stare at Aaron and would have actually dropped his coffee if the other man hadn’t rescued it from his slack fingers.

“Did you just say you’re quitting your job and moving here?”

“I already quit. I’m currently using up my accumulated leave.”

“What? Why? I don’t... HOW?” Spencer couldn’t grab on to a single thought in the jumble this bombshell had created in his mind. Being severely overtired didn’t help any but he couldn’t imagine this would have ever not been shockingly surprising to him.

“About three months ago a new neighbour moved in on my floor. She was being overly friendly and nosy and it quickly became bothersome. I tried to talk to her once, making it very clear that her interest in my personal affairs was unwelcome and that she should be aware that the law has rather sensitive definitions of what all constitutes as attacking a federal agent.”

Spencer chuckled and then outright laughed. “You used your badge and the law book to stave off a woman’s interest? Oh Aaron, really. Only you...”

“I’ve done this long enough to recognise stalkerish behaviour if I see it. I hoped it was early enough to discourage it by pointing out the risks she was taking.”

“I take it it didn’t work.”

“No.”

“So? Don’t tell me you’re running away from your stalker neighbour.”

“No. If nothing else that would be a total insult to you. I was already thinking through options to come here long term. Anyway, she didn’t stop, instead increased her attempts to insert herself into my life and more worryingly, Jack’s. I had already reached out to the FBI legal department, trying to get them to prepare steps against her.”

“Trying doesn’t sound like they were doing their job properly.” Spencer turned towards Aaron and pulled one leg onto the wall between them, resting it against Aaron’s thigh. He smiled when Aaron’s hand dropped onto his ankle and started playing with the hem of his trousers.

“We were called away on a case that stretched out for more than a week and I didn’t find much time to push the matter. One night Jessica called me saying that she and Jack would be staying at her place because the woman creeped Jack out. She had tried to talk her way into the apartment when Jessica went out for a few groceries. Thankfully, Jack knows better and didn’t open the door. She got loud enough in her demands that other neighbours heard.”

“And you were still stuck on that case. What a nightmare.”

“Yes. The next morning I called legal again and insisted on a restraining order. I wasn’t happy with the response I got, so I called Cruz and asked him to put on some pressure. He did that same afternoon. Turns out my case ended up in the hands of some fledgeling with balls for brains. Apparently, she’s some mildly successful actress and model and in his crush-addled mind, I was just some old guy who can’t handle the attention of a beautiful woman. He thought I should feel flattered and not try to create some scandal that might damage her career.”

Spencer’s brows had climbed higher and higher hearing the annoyance dripping from Aaron’s voice. “Please tell me Cruz had him fired.”

“Oh, very much so. With some charges for neglectful child endangerment, though I’m not sure those will stick.”

Aaron’s hand had fully encircled Spencer’s ankle by now, holding on as a sort of grounding but Spencer didn’t mind. He would always want to be that kind of touchstone for Aaron in any way he could.

“What lead to that? It sounds like a rather strong reaction.”

Aaron took a deep breath and visibly tried to regain some emotional distance. “While Cruz was still in legal, chewing out the idiot for his unprofessional attitude, he gets a phone call from Garcia. The security in my apartment was triggered and when police arrived they found the whole place trashed, some personal items stolen and her fingerprints everywhere. Not that those were needed with the footage of Garcia‘s security cameras. She didn’t even try to hide her traces. I’m used to much better stalkers.”

“Aaron,” Spencer couldn’t quite decide between amusement and reproach, ”that’s a horrible thing to say.”

“Still true. The point is, if Jessica hadn’t taken Jack to her place the day before, he would have been there at that time of day. That’s why Cruz threw the child endangerment charge at the idiot. It’s pretty weak but the shock and worry over it are the least he deserves.”

“I guess so. And with what she did there won’t be any iffy stalking laws to deal with, she committed quite enough crimes with that one stunt. What did she steal by the way?”

The answer was mumbled unintelligibly into Aaron’s coffee cup.

“What was that? I’m afraid I didn’t catch that.”

Aaron threw him a baleful side glance and let out a long-suffering sigh. “My underwear. All of it.”

Spencer tried. He really, really tried but there was no holding back the bellowing laughter that bubbled out of him at these words paired with the look of misery on Aaron’s face. “Oh god, this is priceless! You get yourself an amateur stalker who steals all your knickers! That’s horrible and hilarious and horribly hilarious. Oh, Aaron, I’m so sorry.” But he was still laughing and doubling over, resting his forehead on the man’s shoulder.

That’s how he felt the chuckles starting to shake Aaron’s body as well and it didn’t take long for both of them to sit there laughing like their coffees had been spiked.

“Oh god, I needed that,” Aaron eventually calmed down and took some deep breaths, smiling at Spencer.

“So, Agent Hotchner,” Spencer said suggestively running a finger up Aaron’s thigh, “since all your underwear has been taken into evidence lock up, does that mean that you’ve been going commando ever since?”

“I’ll have you know, Prof. Reid, that I am perfectly capable of buying myself some new boxers.”

“I do not doubt your capabilities, but you might take this as a sign of the fates and enjoy the freedom.” His finger had reached the juncture where thigh met hip and Aaron sucked in a breath. The moment had so much potential if only he hadn’t ruined it by yawning heartily. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. You really need to get some proper sleep. Finish your pastry and I’ll take you home.”

“Only if you finish your story.”

“To keep it short, before Garcia could organise a crew to put the apartment somewhat to rights again, Jack harassed Jessica into going to see the place because he was worried about one of the models he had built. He didn’t deal well with seeing the mess and hasn’t been able to sleep or even just feel remotely safe there ever since. And I can’t blame him. He’s also old and clever enough to understand that the FBI fell short on protecting us from this and that has given him some anxiety issues about me and the job. He knows and understands that out in the field I rely on the team I know and trust, that those are people he has known for years and that they would never do anything less than their best, but...”

“But there is no automatic bridge from knowing to feeling and if anxiety could be fought with logic nobody would have an issue with it.”

“Pretty much, yes. I had been talking to him about moving here and he already liked the idea. He has a change of schools coming up in the summer anyway and his biggest concerns were leaving Jessica behind and me giving up the job I like. Now he’s all for me leaving the FBI, though he hasn’t outright said it. When I told Cruz about Jack’s problems and the consequences I wanted to draw, he dug the full retirement offer Strauss negotiated years back out of my file. She meant it when she said it had no time limit.”

“And what about Jessica? They are important to one another.” That had been one of Spencer’s biggest stumbling blocks in all the scenarios. He admired Jessica for how she stepped in after Haley’s death and he wouldn’t ever want to just brush her role in Jack and Aaron’s life off.

Aaron snorted. “Coincidences can be funny things. Her company is restructuring certain tasks to the point where she can work literally anywhere with internet access. When I brought up what I was thinking about she just started smiling like crazy. She said, she has never properly gotten away from home, not even for college. She’s been thinking about it ever since her father passed away and California was always high on her list of favourites. She had resigned herself to not moving before Jack starts college, because she doesn’t want to give up her time with him. But she’s totally onboard with coming here.”

“Wow, that’s... almost too good to be true. Besides Jack struggling with anxiety.”

“Why shouldn’t we have luck for a change. I’m sure with the right help and support Jack will bounce back. It has always amazed me how well he took everything life threw at him. I guess at some point something had to give and it could be so much worse.”

“True. So this is really happening. You are moving to my end of the continent and we are getting our second chance?” He had to put that in words, it still seemed so unreal.

“Yes. The change in career and the move are the right things to do for me and my son, so please don’t feel pressured by that, I would do that either way. But I want this, you, us. I haven’t wanted anything else over the last seven years, ever since you said goodbye on that dreadful morning. Being given a second chance with you would be the biggest added bonus imaginable.”

“Because, I wasn’t sure.” When he saw shadows fall into Aaron’s eyes he hastened to word that better. “I mean, I wasn’t sure you still wanted me. You seemed so distant the last time you were here. I was worried I’d lost you.”

“You looked so happy, like you had found your balance and your centre. I wasn’t sure I had  the right to barge in and disturb this. But if you still want me, you have me, all the way.” Seeing the same kind of insecure hope he felt reflected in Aaron’s eyes was weirdly reassuring.

He reached up with one hand to cradle Aaron’s cheek. “Aaron, whatever balance or centre I might have found, what ever life I’ve built here for me, I built it with an empty spot beside me. And that spot was always for you. And I have always missed you in that spot.”

“Even when you were with Edgerton? Sorry, I probably shouldn’t bring him up.” Aaron tried to twist his face away but Spencer didn’t let him.

“Ian was never a replacement for you. He couldn’t have been and I didn’t want him to be a replacement. Let’s just agree that we both want to be together, that life seems to be a lot more in our favour and only look forward from here. Can we do that?”

“I think so, yes. I’d like that.”

Spencer held out his hand. “Promise?”

One corner of Aaron’s lips drew upwards, the mirroring of a similar scene on a very different morning not lost on him. “Promise.”

And just like the last time they sealed their promise with a kiss, but this was a kiss that had Spencer straddling Aaron’s thighs and fingers digging into and mussing through hair. A kiss that drew bodies as close as they would go and pushed the world aside.

It was also a kiss that was eventually interrupted by a spectacular yawn.

“Okay, that’s it,” Aaron said a little breathless. “It’s way past your bedtime.”

Spencer tried to pout but he knew he was reaching the end of his rope.

 

* * *

 

 

Aaron pulled the bike into Spencer’s driveway and killed the engine. There had been moments on the way there when a very sleepy genius at his back had been a worrisome experience, but with the occasional nudge of an elbow, they had made it safe and sound.

Spencer climbed off and handed Aaron the helmet. When Aaron didn’t follow he started to frown. “Aren’t you coming inside? There’s plenty of room in my bed.” His tone turned more playful at the end.

“You need sleep, not sex. No matter how appealing the thought might be for both of us, it wouldn’t be a good idea right now.”

“I know that,” was said on a yawn. “I may not like it, but I know that. I’d just like you there. I’m sorry, it must be the most boring idea ever to keep me company while I’m sleeping. I’d thought you could maybe read a book or something. I don’t want to let you go just now. I only got you back.”

Aaron took off his helmet. “I can’t say I want to leave either and I gladly take a bit of boredom to make you happy. If you’re sure you want me here.”

“Yes,” was the immediate answer. “Stay, please. I missed waking up beside you, which is funny given that we didn’t get to do that much when we were together. But I’d like to do that a lot more this time around.”

Aaron found himself nodding. “I’d like that, too.”

He unlaced his shoes just inside the door, knowing Spencer’s preference to be barefoot inside and didn‘t like unnecessary dirt all over the floors. Spencer was already flinging his satchel into a corner and starting up the stairs.

On his own way up Aaron found the light sweater draped over the bannister. Spencer’s shirt and slacks had made it all the way to the bedroom, though not quite into the hamper. He helped them along while he listened to the noises of his lover in the bathroom.

His lover. Spencer wanted to be his again. Spencer wanted him back.

Even with all the planning and steps he’d done for this over the last few months, the reality of it hadn’t sunken in properly. Maybe it would with time. Maybe he would always keep this feeling of wonder. It certainly hadn’t left him the first time they’d been together.

The bathroom door opening interrupted his musings and he looked over to see Spencer emerge in nothing but light blue boxer briefs with little Tardises all over them. The view made him swallow, drooling was not good for one's dignity after all. Spencer looked still mostly as he remembered him, still all long and slender limbs and creamy pale skin. But he seemed more healthy somehow and Aaron could see the areas where he had put on a bit of weight and muscle. It suited him very well.

“Ehm, mind if I take a quick turn?” He gestured towards the open door a little awkwardly. He had been the one to insist on Spencer getting sleep. His sparks of arousal were not at all helpful in this moment.

“Sure. Help yourself from the cupboards if you need anything.” Spencer brushed a kiss against the corner of Aaron’s mouth in passing. “And then come to bed.”

Aaron used the time in the bathroom to compose himself somewhat. Spencer had always had that effect on him and while it was nice to learn that that hadn’t changed, the intensity caught him by surprise after all these years.

When he came out into the darkened bedroom again he silently approached the bed, thinking that Spencer might have already fallen asleep. A hand sneaking out between the sheets and curling around his thigh told him otherwise.

“You’re overdressed,” was mumbled into the pillow.

“Is that what you want? Me under the sheets with you?”

“Yes. Haven’t had a proper cuddle in way too long.”

Spencer half asleep sounded just as adorable as he always had and Aaron found any hesitation he might have held waning. He put his jeans and shirt over a chair in the corner and climbed into the bed on the other side. He had barely settled down before he had a warm weight draped against his side and Spencer’s head on his shoulder.

With an annoyed little grumble, Spencer’s hands pushed his undershirt upwards until he sat up to get rid of that, too.

When they settled back down with one of Aaron’s arms around slender shoulders, familiar fingers traced the skin on his stomach. He couldn’t resist the temptation of the messy curls under his chin and ran his own fingers through them.

Spencer let out a content sigh and relaxed fully into his embrace.

“Happy now?”

“Hmmm. G’night.”

He held back the chuckle so he wouldn’t disturb him and just enjoyed the warmth and peace and closeness.

In that moment he felt like he could just lie there like this forever.

 

* * *

 

 

He hadn’t felt at all sleepy when he crawled into bed with Spencer but the warmth, comfort and regular sound of Spencer’s breathing must have lulled him asleep anyway. He was still only half awake when he became aware of the lips softly kissing over a small area on his chest.

He stretched his muscles a little and felt a half hard cock against his thigh that was eagerly pushed closer.

“Good morning sleepy head,” Spencer said and moved upwards to kiss along his collarbone and up his neck.

“You needed to go to bed when the sun was just coming up.” He hummed and reached down for Spencer’s butt to press the growing hardness more firmly into his side. He groaned when his fingers met naked skin, his own cock starting to fill as well. “I’m just here for company.”

“And yet, I had to wake you. Is my company already boring you to sleep?”

Aaron smiled at the teasing. Oh, he could get used to this. “Well, you were very uncommunicative, no curious questions, no ramblings... I had expected some statistics with colourful charts at the very least.” He hissed when Spencer bit into his earlobe, but it turned into a groan when the sharp tugging was replaced by warm suction.

His own fingers were massaging the firm butt cheek they’d grabbed on to and encouraged the slow rocking motion of Spencer’s hips. His other hand found it’s way up into his lover’s hair, not quite sure yet whether he wanted to hold him at his current position or direct him elsewhere.

Spencer made the decision for him by drawing away. Aaron opened his eyes to see what was wrong when Spencer went completely still over him. “Everything all right?”

In the dim light, hazel eyes peered into his full of love and wonder. “You’re here. I didn’t dream you. Do I really get to keep you?”

“For as long as you want.”

Spencer looked at him a little longer, as if he was searching for something.

Aaron just looked back, trying to reconnect all the thin threads that got lost between them and hoping that his eyes showed all the love and sincereness he felt.

He had no idea what it was Spencer saw but eventually, he smiled softly and leaned down to kiss Aaron’s mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Their kisses were exploration and relearning, warmth and tenderness, love and promises. Their hands wandered over long forgotten stretches of skin, finding old favourites, causing goosebumps and smoothing them over.

Aaron parted his legs slightly and Spencer’s thigh fell between them getting both their cocks better friction. Somewhere along the way, they managed to work Aaron’s boxers down and out of the way and it made the feeling of their bodies rocking together all the better.

Neither was in any hurry to end this. Aaron enjoyed Spencer’s weight on him, a solid reassurance. They just kept sharing kisses and trading touches, stretching out their arousal and the time around them.

It was nothing like Aaron had expected the first time back together to be and at the same time utterly perfect.

His world narrowed down the man in his arms and he had no idea of how long they had been making love. It was easy to read the signs in Spencer’s breathing and body language that told him his lover was getting close to his orgasm. His own wasn’t far either.

He shifted them so Spencer was laying completely in the cradle of his legs and they both groaned when their cocks finally touched. He sneaked a hand between them to encircle them both and it took only a few passes for Spencer to come and him to follow right after.

Spencer tried to roll to the side but Aaron held him tight and they were both just lying there, catching their breaths.

“Forever.”

Aaron looked down to Spencer’s head on his shoulder and found his lover’s face turned up to his. “That’s how long I want to keep you. Forever.”

“Sounds perfect to me.” He leaned down to press another tender kiss to the already swollen lips that was readily answered.

Later they shared a shower and Spencer soaped down his back. “Have you already thought about finding an apartment or house?”

“No. I haven’t made any concrete plans. Just that my lease runs out by the end of next month and I won’t renew it.”

“You and no plans, that seems rather out of character. Or... or did you want to move in here?” Spencer sounded hesitant and Aaron didn’t quite know what to make of that so he turned around.

“The thought has appeal, but I know that it’s probably too early and irresponsible and I wouldn’t want to push you-”

“Because I’d love that,” Spencer interrupted.

“What?”

“I’d love for you to move in with me. I don’t want you somewhere halfway across town. I want you here, with me, in our home. If you’re not ready for that, that’s fine and I understand, but I want you here whenever you want to be here.”

Aaron sucked in a breath and turned off the water. He wrapped Spencer’s incredibly soft towels around them both in silence and walked over to the bed, settling down on its edge. Spencer was still standing in the bathroom door with his hair dripping and a bit of panic in his eyes. Aaron patted the spot beside him and when Spencer sat down stiffly he turned him to face him.

“Are you sure you want this? You know I come with a soon to be teenager attached.”

“Even factoring in all my books and visitors staying here on occasion, this house has always been too big for me. I bought it to share with someone, with you. And with Jack, because he is a part of you and I want him here as well. I’m hoping we’ll become a family.” The last was said even more quietly than the rest and Aaron almost didn’t catch it.

“I hope that as well. I want to move in with you, Spencer. I love the house you chose and the home you made of it and I would be honoured if you’d share it with me.”

“You do?” The hope and joy completely transformed his lover’s face and it was a sight to behold. “But... Will Jack even want to live here? I’ve never looked at schools in the district. What if there aren’t any good ones? And what do you want to do? Sure you have your full retirement but you’ll go stir crazy if you have nothing to do? And-” 

Aaron stopped the frantic ramble of questions with a finger to the genius’ lips. “It’ll sort itself out. All of it.”

“What?” Spencer could do nothing but owlishly blink at him.

“A few weeks back I made a decision. The last time, we gave everything else more importance and it created all these issues for us, you even more than me. And we decided that our relationship was the thing that we’d set aside to make everything else work. I’m not saying it was the wrong decision at the time, but I do not want to make it again.

“This time around I’m putting us first. The only one who gets the same consideration as you and our relationship is my son. Everything else can just fall where it will and we’ll deal with it, work around it, whatever. I know how lucky I am to get a second chance at this and I’ll value it and you accordingly. No more holding back or hiding or making foul compromises. I’m all in.”

“Okay.” Spencer seemed a little dazed. Suddenly he got up and walked towards the walk-in closet.

“What are you doing?”

“Hn? Making space in the closet of course. If you’re moving in with me, you need closet space. I know how many suits you own. Well, I know how much you owned seven years ago and have a rough estimate on the current number based on skype calls, but we’ll figure that out. There are always the closets in the guest rooms and-”

“Spencer!” Aaron laughed. “You are dripping wet and in a towel.”

“Oh, right, I am.” He looked down at himself as if surprised.

“Come here.” Aaron pulled Spencer into his lap as soon as he got close enough. “Stop worrying. We’ll figure it out together. From now on everything together, okay?”

“Yeah.” Spencer looked into Aaron’s eyes and a radiant smile spread across his face. “Together sounds amazing.”

Aaron couldn’t help but kiss that smile until they tumbled back onto the bed.

They might need another shower later.

 

THE END


End file.
